i wake up. and as cliche as it is i look myself in the mirror…. and throw up. im in such disgust of myself and who ive become. i was raised in a loving home and i dont know how but somehwere along the line between the ages of 12-16 i turned corupt. i started forming a black hole where my heart should be. i dont know what happened. i go to school seeing all the faces. depicting all the various emotions from the littlest gestures. weather it be how they walk, with their head down being pushed around by people who refuse to walk around them or walking tall and realizing how fake that smile is. i go to all my classses like every other kid but there is one difference between me and the kid who constantly smacks his orange flavored trident gum and every other person in that class…. they dont see what i see. they see a confident teacher having the balls to wake up every morning to only put himself or herself in front of a bunch of highschoolers with the liklihood to be made a fool of. but what is see is a timid scared adult whos goal in life is to merely make it to the next morning. who doesnt care how well you get educated after you leave that class. i get out of every class. i put on my hat that stats “R.I.P MOM” on the underside of the bill. i leave and continue my day studying the kids and the teachers. the drug dogs searching for that stupid pot head who thinks hes cooler than everyone else because his brain is fried. or the school cop tatino walking around acting as if he owns the fuckin school. i go home. i throw my back pack up in my room say hi to my amazing sisters who i adore dearly. call my brothers and get the fuck out of the house. this is the corrupt part…. i hate ciggareettes but i have some urge to smoke them every day. pack after pack… throwing $5.16 away on the daily. i hang at my friends doing nothing but making immature dick, ratial and sexist jokes. smoking our lungs black, tarring them until its painful to walk becasue u cant seem to find the breathe to even get urself up to ur feet. i go home. look at myself in the mirror again i dont up chuck this time tho…. just stare in disgust. i wash my face hoping as i remove the towel from my face i also remove all the emotinal mental and physical blemishes along with it. theres a normal day in my life.
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to me it just sounds like you are bored and without focus
probably too smart for your own good
sorry about your loss….we all have them….just can’t let it define us
talk to your guidance counsellor about aptitude, attitude, and interest testing to try to help you find what makes you interested enough to get beyond your apathy
i am 50 years old and spent most of my life under-employed and without direction
when i was 40 i had the testing done and turns out i should be an addiction counsellor or a social worker. So in my 40’s I went to university for the first time. Please keep your marks up in spite of your emotional trauma, going back to college or university when you are older isn’t soooo bad….but going back to high school as an adult sucked worse than the first time. Damage control. Believe me you won’t always feel this way.
Most people with emotional issues cycle in and out of depression. They look for a diagnosis so they can tell themselves it is not their fault they are different. But the truth is that you have been emotionally scarred in some way.
Try surrounding yourself with positives instead of negatives all the time. Listen to music with positive messages, get out in nature as much as possible. You may be experiencing a spiritual crisis.
When you start to think you have nothing to offer, offer anyway. Nothing makes you feel better than to help someone else. It doesn’t have to big, just sincere. Maybe the old guy in the checkout in front of you is short a few cents.
Stay positive as much as possible. If you are not positive you continue to get sucked into the negativity of this world. Live in this world but don’t be of it.
Good luck and Namaste
Amakua