http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVbctV4RTBc&feature=BFa&list=PL342AB87977777904&lf=mh_lolz&index=2
^This is my favourite song from a band named Sigur Ros. It does not contain any real lyrics, so the song was made for “the Listener to create their own story, their own meaning. Enjoy^
I include that, because that is what I am listening to as of now, and what I was listening to when I was over a friend’s house christmas eve morning. I got drunk over a friend’s house, to which I found out while driving that I was unable to drive (haha), so I called a girl and asked her if I would be able to sleep over, she said yes. I walked in, said hello, got into bed with her and fell asleep immediately. Woke up at 10a.m. with her asking if I called her just for a place to sleep because I was too drunk, or if I was responding to her booty call…I told her honestly that it was because I was too drunk to drive; she looked at me sternly while saying “Well played”.
Now with the background story done, on to the important stuff. I hope some of you got a giggle out of that though.
So, as I was getting ready to leave for my very busy day, the girl was trying to talk to me about what I’m going to be doing with my life; as for continuing school, future professions, future relationships, and if I am enjoying my life at all. My standard reply is to smile warmly and say that I do in fact have a master plan for it all, and that my growing madness will be sedated upon my goals being met. Pretty deep for a 20 year old male. Coupled with how I pose myself and the inflection in my voice, it makes for a very convincing statement.
However, this time, I told the poor girl (who is 27 mind you, and borderline obsessed with me. True story) the truth. Very briefly, and I can only guess with a most pained look painted on my face, I told her:
“Renee, I’m having a real rough time now. Physically, my knee is shot, and I have two or three months of rehab to truly fix my entire body so I can go back to doing martial arts. School is a ***** because I don’t want to be there, and in the end, why am I paying so much for something that isn’t going to help me; I’ll be dead in a few years. And on the off chance I can continue to swallow my absolute disdain for living, I have now come to realize that I cannot get a profession that I want. I had dreams of becoming a teacher; to become like my mentor and truly help kids’ who have grown up like me. And as I just said that, just now, I have come to realize that I’m not going to do that. I’m going to switch my major, get a good business degree, and become more of a miserable prick than I am now, just so I will make enough money to take care of the people I need to. Because if I don’t do it, who will? This all comes from a suicidal cynic, who want’s nothing more than to go back to Brazil to see his friends one last time. By the way, I’m 20. I’m supposed to think like this, right?”
She was actually in tears when I finished. And I know, haha, I know, that I am not supposed to say anything close to that because people aren’t used to that much truth, especially that brutal, but fuck me…I am actually only 20. I’m losing my mind hourly. That same day, I had a dream that I shot my brother (he’s a huge piece of shit actually, just an awful person) in the head because he pushed our little sister. I told my roommate (when I got home) that dream, and he actually looked scared for me. “McInnis (using my middle name here), you…you know that it’s actually really hard to kill people in a dream, right? And, you were just fine with that? Even after waking up? Are…are you doing alright man, do you want to talk?” He meant this sincerely.
But, now, to the society of people that I have just joined, and have not even begun to meet, I pose a few questions, for this wonderful, christmas, morning.
1. I am doomed to always be a miserable cynic aren’t I?
b. That dream proves that I am losing my mind, doesn’t it?
3. By the way, I’m 20. I’m supposed to think like this, right?
4 comments
Forgot to add this:
I have no problem with losing my mind. I could have stopped it before it got this bad, but, I am having way to much fun in the process. The simple reality that I can hide my borderline drug addiction from my roommate, family, and most friends is actually quite thrilling. Especially when so many of them think they “finally had me figured out”. When I die, and the doctors tell them the amount of opiates I had in my system for over a year, and that it was actually a suicide, good lord, I want to come back just to witness that.
strange question, and if the answer is no, you will not know what it means. AKS?
I don’t know if there really is an answer. I just feel that everything is finally getting outside of my grasp, outside of my control. Thusly, I don’t know how I feel about what is going on, and I cannot tell what is going to happen anymore.
Though, the feeling that I am going to die is now lingering, rather than coming and going in small waves…
1. Probably.
b. No. I’d just say that it means you don’t like your brother. I don’t get why they think it’s hard to kill people in dreams. You can do anything in dreams.
3. There is no ‘supposed to’. There is ‘like everyone else’ but it’s not compulsory and are you sure you want to be like everyone else? How you think is how you think. It’s fine. At least I think so anyway.
My opinions anyway. I could be wrong (in fact I often am).
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.