Four months ago I was happier then I’ve been in a long time. My mind was constantly racing and I was always pacing. I was constantly forgetting things. I’ve never been so mentally active, heightened, and aware in my life. A lot of events happaned and my world was flipped upside down, and I don’t feel the same. My mind is numb and fuzzy. I can still feel pain and love its not nearly as stimulating as it used to be if at all. The only co existence that has been convient for me that I haven’t lost interest in is music. Its almost like a wall was constructed inside my mind and I’m numb not only to what I used to enjoy doing, but the feelings of others. My brain has reasoned everything in a very negative way, because to me its the only reasoning that makes sense. I used to have coexistence material to help me forget or cope with anything, but now none of it interests me. It has been that way for a long time. All the events that happaned I’ve replayed over and over in my mind and I’ve looked at them and inspected them at every angle. Everytime I take a shower I punch the wall without even thinking. My knuckles are bruised and my other hand one of the bones crack when I clench my fist. I was emotionally and physically devastated and had to have plate and screws put inside me which prevents me from doing some of the things I used to enjoy doing. I have motivation, but an extreme lack of focus and energy. Without the focus the motivation becomes lost and non existent. I feel like theres a war going on inside of me, and no one is winning. The war is not going away and nothing is changing. Its hard to wake up in the morning and get out of bed. When people talk to me it goes through me. My mind is so compromised what people say does not register and I have absolutely no thoughts what that person has said. Sometimes I will envision a perfect version of myself in my mind who I “pretend” to dicuss the things that happaned to me, but he only laughs at me. Its a “make fun” laugh and it has helped me, but its losing its effectiveness. When I wake up in the morning I walk to my back yard and unfortunetly continue to think and I find myself spitting for no reason as if i’m sick. I think I’m trying to get rid of these negative feelings inside me.
In the aftermath, I’ve become more outgoing for whatever reason. I’ve taken risks and acted like a differen’t person which has affected me and others. I’ve become fearful and I haven’t developed confidence, but a numb feeling that nothing matters. I’ve been trying new things that I’ve never done before including a high-end drug which I normally would never do. I feel like I can’t trust myself. My morals have changed or disapeared completely. I’ve had to rebuild myself.
Two weeks ago was the first time I’ve looked into suicide online, out of curiosity, to see the easiest way to die. A few days ago I was drunk and lonely. I speant 10 minutes convicing and reasoning with myself why I shouldn’t die as I was flirting with the reality of it. No matter what I do the events seems to creep up on me in my mind and distract me. It halts me from doing what I need and want to do. Time was going by extremely slow and now its flying by. Feeling this way is preventing me from living, and I’m not sure what to do about it.