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I just tried telling my parents I need help.
I specifically told them I feel suicidal and I get panic attacks and I need some anxiety meds.
They scoffed me.
Told me about all the people physically invalid who work hard and achieve greatness.
About the people so poor, they die of hunger.
They said I was just lazy.
I get it. I have no reason to be depressed.
I am perfectly healthy and pretty, my family is completely functional (Except for the fact that my mom suffers from recurring paranoid schizophrenia and has tried to kill herself but for some reason no one mentions that.)
Anyways, I feel guilty, I really truly do. The guilt used to kill me. Then I read The Bell Jar By Sylvia Plath and I realised I am not a criminal because I am incapable of feeling happiness.
Coming back to my parents, I cried and begged for help and my dad just looked at me with anger and my mom just blamed me.
I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to be insane. I can’t help it. I feel like my mind is ruining my life. I can’t escape it. It crushes me. I hate people. I hate college. I hate socializing. I feel like I am choking every second of my life.
I feel like I am all alone. And I want to be all alone. But it still sucks.
I don’t trust anyone. I don’t really love anyone.
I have been contemplating suicide for a while now. I don’t think I am brave enough to kill myself. But I hate my life. I hate my mind. I hate how I feel. I would feel better if I knew what happens after death. Or if God exists.
But I guess what I need to figure out is if I want to die. I feel like I am going to die soon. I can’t imagine growing old and starting a family and crap. It’s just this strange feeling where I feel like I am dying slowly but I’ll never know for sure till it happens.
6 comments
Touching post…truly. I can relate. I encourage you to watch all the John Bradshaw clips on youtube titled Homecoming. He is a pioneer on family systems theory and can shed light on why you are experiencing this. Good luck-you deserve wellness and love and joy. Most parents, parent the way the were parented which lacked unconditional love. Without that foundation, lots of stuff creeps into our lives later on down the road and we ‘think’ we are responsible and hold ourselves accountable and beat ourselves up.
That is not helpful nor is it self loving which is the best remedy for everything. So now you’ve just read something that can be of assistance and support to your path. Now that you understand guilt is not a requirement to be a worthwhile fantastic human being, you can focus on the information and utilize the faculties that you do have to move on from the place you are finding yourself now. It’s a challenging process, that is a choice for you and many, many people who have experienced what you are going through. It’s all good. Focus on feeling good, as best you can…you can’t get it wrong!
It gets my goat when people come out with stuff like this:
“Told me about all the people physically invalid who work hard and achieve greatness.
About the people so poor, they die of hunger.”
One’s feelings are relative; if you’re used to living in a warm house with plenty of food, that’s the norm. When it is brought to your attention that others are worse off – as an attempt to cheer you up – all that happens is that you feel guilty as well as depressed!
Choke,
Your pain is your pain.
People use those examples to buffer their own point of view.
And it is fine for them to feel that way.
It is also fine for you to feel your pain is horrible and terrible as well.
People forget that those starving people are that way because some people in this world have too much.
And those people who fight against all odds have a specific mix of factors in their lives that make it worth it to them individually.
I understand how you feel. And that may not be any help at all.
I neither want to get old or start a family.
And even at my age people chastise and deride you for not wanting to do so.
See if you can find someone to talk to offline who does understand if posting here does not ease your pain.
Because this place shows that there are others who feel the same somewhere out there.
Never let anyone invalidate your pain.
Because just like there are starving and handicapped people, they are also very healthy and wealthy people that have few issues.
It felt like reading my life in your post, I feel the same, like being crushed. I can’t stand people, I want to love but can’t imagine what I’ll do after that point. I can’t really feel a connection towards anyone. Truly it feels like choking on despair, nothingness. I’m numb, I can’t imagine myself in the future I get the feeling that I’ll die soon but I don’t have the courage to do it. I understand you it’s painful and you can’t seem to do anything about it.
I don’t know your whole story, but it’s possible your depression is genetic. Do not feel guilty about it; you can’t control how your brain works. As for your parents, I’m truly sorry that they aren’t being understanding. You said you go to college…have you looked into seeing a counselor or psychiatrist there? That’s where I’ve seen mine, and when I buy antidepressants from the student health center I only have to pay $10.
Dear Choke, God does exist and He loves you!!!!!!! And He doesn’t want you to end your life because He has a plan for you. Unfortunately, our parents are imperfect. Don’t let them drive you to end the one and only life you have. You are special. I hope you”ll seek out God. Find out how great He is and it will change your life. He changed my life. Without Him, I would probably be dead. I’ll be praying for you!