I am depressed and i have been thinking about suicide for almost 3 years now. Years back, i had been thinking about it occasionally but now i am thinking about it every single day. My father is a gambler, my brothers are addicts and so on. The main reason is because i failed at secondary school. I didn’t realize the first 2 years and so i dropped to something lower, simple and stupid. I want to study, i want to be succesfull and have a meaning in life. My biggest dream is crushed because of my mistake 4 years ago.
My heart certainly goes to some of my family members who would mourn my passing. They might have more pain when i pass away than the pain i had but that still doesn’t make me change my minds. I can’t see myself living in this society. Failed, doing a job 50 years that i never wanted. I look at people everyday, about my age, studying everyday, knowing that many or all them will certainly have a great future ahead as a doctor, a pilot and so on.
I can’t stand it to be such an idiot and to have failed so terribly. I can’t make my mistakes straight, even if i am only 16 years old. Among those who are young, many of them do not realize what education means and what for effect it has. Some of them will find outlets in IT. Some will have an escape in art. Some will live their lives pursuing unicorns that they will never, ever catch.
I never had a talent to lose myself in, or a dream or unicorn to chase because i already failed and so i think i’ll be taken the path most dreaded.
About love. I can’t get a girl and even if i could get one, sooner or later they will leave me behind. I am not the kind of guy who is looking for a slut to have sex with. I am not the kind of guy that looks at how sexy the girl is, instead i am looking at the girl who is smart and dignified. I am the kind of guy who is very picky about friends and relationships. To bad i am just a nerd, a geek, a loser who fails to impress any girl. Just when i start talking, i begin to stutter, not knowing what to say except for a few questions, shy, looking down.
About stuttering, it’s not because i am shy that i stutter but because i have a speech disorder. I stutter, i can’t even say my name without putting the letter T in front of it. I have One Heart for sale. Horrible Condition. Will take anything for it. Please. Just cut it out of my chest and end this suffering.
3 comments
Last paragraph (except stutter) is the exact same man
The awful thing about most of the people in this world is that they only care about looks and popularity status. And maybe there are still some options. I probably don’t know anything about it, but I wouldn’t say all options are closed. And as for finding a career, try sitting down and thinking about what you enjoy doing. You may be surprised. With the stuttering: i know it’s hard, but try to use it as a strength instead of a weakness. You can’t let other people make up your own mind on how to feel about it. I hope I helped.
I know what you feel. I completely lose faith in people sometimes. I don’t feel that anyone can be trusted. Even those who seem like they can. It’s just better to not even take the risk.
I’m 17 years old and a lesbian. Figured I was bisexual until last year but I may have been confused. I tried out both– I don’t hate men by any means, I just have no emotional attraction to them whatsoever (of course there are exceptions in life but what do you know?). And I’m too conscious about sex with a guy, it almost creeps me out. They were bad experiences though, and I don’t associate them with the entire male race.
I’m still confused as to what I want. I graduated from a 7 month course of esthetics and massage therapy but currently only have my esthetician’s license (working on the other one still). I love the therapeutic aspect of both professions– healing and making others feel even the least dignified– it makes me proud making others feel good about themselves. And it’s not just the aesthetic side to it all; there’s something spiritual about manually treating a person. It’s like an art. And with all of it’s merits, I still don’t know if it’s for me. I still don’t know if I could do it. I dropped out in 10th grade and got my GED, I didn’t even think I could accomplish what I did yet I did. This is coming from someone who hoped to study anthropology or archaeology and thought they would go to NYU. Life takes on a weird course sometimes.
I’m confused because I feel that I had to grow up before mostly everyone I know. I can’t really relate to most people my age, and then I can’t really go anywhere with older people because I don’t even have a fake ID. And I still don’t have my license (I failed the rules and regulations test even though I passed the other ones)! I’m also very anal about who I spend my time with (didn’t always used to be this way, but once you get kicked in the ass too many times you kind of learn to choose your crowd) and sometimes it’s hard just to find someone to relate to. Supposedly most people are “relatable”, and while this is true when you’re in a good mood, rarely will people stick their heads out for you when you’re in the deep. I know what it’s like walking into a room, knowing everyone, and yet feeling completely alone.
About your speech disorder- everyone’s got an issue. I’m a hypochondriac and severely anxious person. And while this may not seem debilitating, it is. Especially when it takes control of your life. You can go to a cognitive physical therapist for your speech impediment. I don’t know exactly what condition you have, but many times you can better your condition. I’m not judging you or stopping you from doing what you wanna do, first, please, consider your options before you take the leap. At 16 years old, there’s a lot you can still learn. And life gets harder, but it doesn’t always have to seem that way if you prepare yourself.
Just consider.