Okay, So I Created This Account Just Now, But Have Been Reading Stuff On Here For A Few Weeks, I Guess I Should Start With My Story, I Dont Really Expect Anyone To Read It, But Here Goes Nothing…..
Im A 15 Year Old Essex Girl, Im Supposed To Be A Bit Of A Slut/Whore, Thats The Reputation Of Where I Come From, The Thing Is, Im Not. I Never Have Even Been Kissed, Never Had A Boyfriend, Never Really Spoken To A Boy, Because Every Man In My Life Has Let Me Down. My Dad Left When I Was 14 Months Old, He Left On FATHERS Day, He Took Me, Sat Me In A Car For 4 Hours Whilst He Was Off Shagging His New Woman With My Mum At Home Waiting. I Dont Think I Have Ever Forgave Him, I Found Out By Accident That He Used To Beat My Mum, He Treated Her Like A Dog, And He Doesn’t Even Have Time For Me, Unless He Gets Something Out Of It, Mum Works Hard And Has Got So Ill, Because We Have Hardly Any Money, Her Cards Always Being Declined, And My Fat F**k Of A Father Cant Be Bothered To Pay Mantinance. I Feel In Love With My Best Friend, He Told Me To Cut Myself, Took Pleasure In Seeing His Name Carved Into My Arms, He Then Went And Got My Bestfriend Pregnant And Has Never Spoken To Me Again.Â
I Constantly Feel Ugly And Fat, And People Dont Have A Problem With Telling Me It. Im Not Pretty, I Know Im Not, I Think I Find Myself The Most Hideous Out Of Anyone, But All I Want Is To Be Loved, But How Can Someone Love Me If I Dont Love Myself? About Three Months Ago I Developed Alopecia Areata Which Means That My Hair Is Falling Out Rapidly, And Im Unsure If I Will Loose It All. This Has Caused Sever Panick Attacks. I Feel Like I Am Loosing Control, I Stopped Eating And Sleeping For Weeks, I Pretended I Was Eating, And Every Few Days My Mum Would Force Me To Eat, I Would Then Make Myself Sick, I Lost Half A Stone, And Am Still Not Eating As I Should, But I Am Eating At Least One Meal A Day. I Dont Have Many Friends, Nobody Gives Me The Time Of Day, I Dont Belong Anywhere, I Feel Uncomfortable Around The People That Are Supposed To Love Me. I Have A Best Friend, But I Think Even She Is Getting Fed Up With My Constant Depressive Moods!
I Started To Self Harm At The Age Of 12, Since Then I Have Taken 12 OD’s I Took A Severe One About 6 Months Ago And Was Admitted To Hospital And Was Potentially Fighting For My Life, I Obviously Have Had Manditory Councelling Ever Since, I Make Out That Im Okay, That Im Getting Better, But Im Really Not, If Anything Im Getting Worse, I Was A Straight A Student, But My Grades Are Going Down, My Consentration Is So Low, I Just Sit And Plan Out Ways To Kill Myself, My Inner Voice Argues With Itself, I Way Up The Pros And Cons Of My Death, And I Always Result In The Conclusion Of Death. I Love My Mum SO Much, She Is My Rock, And I Dont Want To Leave Her. Last Night I Laid Awake For Hours, I Then Got Up, Had A Fag And A Massive Shot Of Absinth, Sat Down On A Towel And Held A Knife To My Stomach, For Over An Hour, I Had Written My Note, And Was Ready, I Felt Relaxed, Then I Heard My Mum Stir Upstairs, And I Just Couldn’t Do It. So I Rang Her And She Comforted Me, She Wont Let Me Out Of Her Sight.
The Thing Is, I Feel Like I Want To Be Sectioned, I Dont Really Want To Die, I Dont Think, Im Undecided And I Dont Feel Safe At Home, But I Dont Know How To Tell My Mum, Or How To Make This Happen, I See My Case Worker On Wednesday, But I Fear That I Wont Last That Long. I Know People Have Had Worse Things Happen To Them. But I Just Cant Cope With The Pain Anylonger, Its Been Far To Long. I Need Help.
9 comments
None of this is your fault, you can’t control what others did that hurt you…you should have been nurtured to love and care for yourself but your parents weren’t equipped to do the job of raising you properly. This is why you’re feeling as you do and in this situation…so as best you can unburden yourself with that responsibility.
You’re carrying the pain of your family so it’s understandable that you feel as you do…it sucks, but that’s the reason. I hope knowing that will relieve some of your hurt and allow you to breathe a small sigh of relief.
The best thing you can do, as hard as it might be is be a friend to you. Beat a pillow, let your hurt out but not on you….let it out, let it out…scream, yell, cry…it’s all good, and it’s okay. Who cares what anyone else thinks…YOU matter the most…all that matters is YOU and how you feel.
Say this to yourself…”Nothing is more important than, that I feel good”!
Read post I wrote on Childhood Wisdom. It may help deal with the untruths about you not being pretty. All gals in the UK have a great vibe. Take care.
Thank You! I Guess I Know All Of This Logically, Its Just Telling Myself That Its True, I Always Feel Like I Need To Please Other People, And Never Look After Myself, No Matter How Much Somebody Hurts Me, I Always Seem To Believe Everything They Say, And Blame Myself, Its My Fault Im Not Good Enough! Thank You So Much For Taking The Time To Reply To This, I Kinda Expected Nothing, And It Means Something That You Did! You Take Care Too!x
The key is to flex the muscle inside you that follows the guidance and advice. It takes practice, practice practice….before you know it, you’ll be thinking and feeling the way YOU want to…you deserve it, you’re precious, not because I say so-you simply are. So from that place make good choices for yourself. You can’t get it wrong.
We feel the need to please others from a place of fear (ie. abandonment). Your folks not weren’t around so, again, its understandable…you’re like..please stay with me and you’ll do anything to avoid that hurt. The thing is to not abandon yourself because that was the cue you were given by your folks. I come by this honestly..I experienced the same. You only need yourself and your relationships are best when they enhance your life, they don’t decide your happiness and contentment.
I Feel Like I Already Have Lost Myself, I Look At Myself And Think Who The Hell Am I Anymore, Before I Would Have To Look Hard To See The Sad Part Of Me, Now I Have To Search For The Happiness, And I Do Resent My Dad For It, The Thought Of Seeing Him Drives Me Insane, I Have Full On Panick Attacks When Im Just Thinking About Seeing Him, So I Avoid It At All Costs, But I Feel Like A Bad Daughter, His My Dad, Shouldn’t I Respect Him, No Loath His Very Exsistence! I Feel Like I Can Never Be Able To Have A Good Relationship With Him, And It Makes Me Feel Bad, Because Im Being Selfish By Trying To Cut Him Out, But Its What I Have To Do, So I Can Get Better, Then One Day I Might Be Able To Have A Good Relationship With Him!
What’s your talking about is trying to fit a square peg in a round whole..not possible.
There are no should or should not…the word best be banned. What does your gut tell you, your heart….follow that…that’s the truth. You take yourself off your own center when you try to compromise yourself in order to seemingly get along with someone.
I wrote a letter to my dad and I told him how pissed off I was at him….those were my feelings and I honored them, I didn’t rationalize or think…he’s my dad, I have to be nice…sometimes it’s battle down here, with parents, siblings, friends, bosses, co-workers….you best follow and allow only that which resonates with you, and what allows you to feel good. In the wild, it’s kill or be killed…or hey, this is my territory. In this situation cause there’s so much dysfunction, you need to be real with you. I’m not making fun here either…all children need this taught and encouraged. You can only think for yourself so I encourage you to simply do, just that. Keep it simple. You know the situation, no need to play it over in your head…just go in a direction that will give you some relief and allow you to feel better about you….like I said “Nothing is more important than, that I (you) feel good”. No exceptions. It takes a firm choice on your part to believe and follow what your gut tells you….practice. If you loathe someone…that’s honest, often we have to go through loathing something/someone to loving….it’s a process, you’re in the process…it’s all good. You’re way stronger than you think.
Two more things…before you can have a healthy relationship with anyone, you need to take the time to establish a healthy relationship with yourself…and that takes time, concern yourself with you…just you. Others can take care of themselves. 2nd, you never had the chance to find yourself cause you were always wondering what in the heck your world was, and why it was so chaotic. You’ve had to grow up faster than normal which isn’t cool.
There’s a bunch of clips on youtube by a guy who pioneered family systems theory…you may find it a bit complicated but it may shed light on why you feel as you do. Research John Bradshaw, Homecoming…there’s tons of clips..it’s brilliant. People in their 40’s and 50’s are doing this kind of inner work to make peace within themselves. Go easy, and think well of yourself in the process. You’re beautiful.
One more thing…a belief is something you tell yourself over and over until it’s a part of how you think. I encourage you to tell yourself good feeling things about you, start small, doesn’t need to be a huge project…you’ll find you believe the same I know about you and that is that you’re a capable, kind, sensitive, generous, soft-hearted, strong, and empowered gal. I’d love to know how you’re doing in two weeks. You’ll find you’re feeling way better. Good vibes to you!!!
Thank You! Thats Really Helped! Its Weird To Think That A Stranger Knows And Pays More Attention To Me Than The Majority Of My Family! So Thank You!x
It’s pretty normal actually cause I have more perspective and not enmeshed in your family dynamic and have no agenda. It may be strange but I’m in range…I crack myself up! Along with what you said, what I’m reflecting back to you is for YOU to pay attention to you and YOUR feelings. It’s not about me, I’m just a guide…it’s about you. You’re so worth it…more than you know! Allow that good feeling to seed itself within you and you’ll experinece a well spring of growth and happiness as you discover your empowering good nature. ;-). This site best be called the Life Project….that’s what we’re really seeking. You go girl!!!
Aha! Well Thank You Anyway, I Think This Is The Most Truthful Anyone Has Been With Me In A Long Time, Its Given Me A Wake Up Call I Guess, I Just Need To Focus On Me!x