I’ve wasted my life. Every good thing that’s happened to me I somehow managed to destroy. Everything I touch turns into s**t. I have no friends, no one gives a shit about me. I’ve failed at life. I’m not even a functioning human being. I’ve lost my sex drive long ago and I don’t even care. I still can’t get a grip on my thoughts and my nightmare-ish anxiety. It’s never going to end. I just want to be at peace, I want my agony to end, but I don’t think I even have the guts to kill myself. I really want to though, I want to stop existing. An eternity of peaceful, tranquil nothingness sounds wonderful. Anything is better than suffering like a dog each and every single day. I want out! I want out! I WANT OUT!!!
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You wrote this yesterday right? I feel the same.. Not sure what the fuck I’m supposed to do, its like this big part of me wants to not be here anymore but this little part of me says nah you can’t do it or whatever. I’ve tried looking up things on the net and everything kind of points at the same answer that if we’re going to do it we have to take the “action step”….. its so bullshit though cause I just think about life and how I never had a choice to get here in the first place, that my parents mistake should not be a reason to be here and find myself thinking why do I have to kill myself, why can’t I just not wake up one day and just not be here… I’m not sure. It seems all dumb. What happened to you anyway you write decent enough to hold conversation with people how did you get to this point? Mine is cause of a girl, maybe you’re the same? I wish I could be an arsehole like everyone else.
I wrote it today. Oddly, it does have something to do with a girl, but really it’s mostly to do with me. I just can’t take it any longer, I look at everyone happily stumbling around, half-asleep. Meanwhile, I sit alone, over-analyzing everything. I just can’t get out of my own head! I wish I was an arsehole too, I wish I was normal. What about you?
yeah actually I can relate to what you’re saying. It annoys me watching the world tick in this robotic way where they think they have to live like that. I sometimes think that over analysing things is a problem of mine but then I look back at how much I hate how everyone else is not analysing things at all and it reminds me that if I was like them then I wouldn’t have anything to like at all, cause I’d just be doing what they do, which is something I don’t like at all. I don’t know, I personally feel like I gave up too much of my life doing things for other people that I couldn’t even salvage myself to live for just me, or if I did that it would be such a big task that dying would be a good way to deal with it faster. And as for being normal, i don’t know that anyone is normal anymore. I know there is norms in society and things that people expect from others but I don’t know that anybody feels normal anymore. Man actually not long ago I started asking people if they had thoughts. You know like that person, which is yourself, talking in your head. It shocked me to find people that didn’t know what I meant and didn’t have them, also even more shocked me to find people who remember the first time they started having thoughts late in their teens. I think its not about being normal or being an arsehole, although its an easy way to describe it but I think that making the rule of look our for number 1 first is a good one, if you can do it that is. Everyone else seems to live their lives like that. That to me seems to be the biggest difference between myself and others anyway. Do you find yourself asking questions in your mind that you wouldn’t hear others doing?
My God, I had no idea that some people remember having their first thoughts only in their late teens. Most people really are just empty vessels, just living on auto-pilot. They don’t actually stop to think or reflect on what’s going on. I’ve been having thoughts since I was a child. I think that’s my biggest problem, I think too much. I’ve created entire worlds in my head. Yes, I constantly think of things that I can just tell most people never will in their entire lives. How I wish I could be more like that, just to stop watching myself live and let go.
I also feel like I gave up a huge chunk of my life trying to be what I thought other people would like me to be. Therefore, I have no idea who I am or even what I like doing. I take it by your email address that you’re 23? I’m 22, and it’s good to know there are people my age who feel similar.
Yeah that’s what I said when I found out, its a crazy world. You make a good point about the empty vessels and auto pilot. It seems like the majority just take the easy option and go with the flow of things. I think it’s good to question to be honest. Actually it was just yesterday I was socialising with my housemate and his friends and I started thinking about my life a lot and how I just wanted to know what was going on with it and what I should be doing with mine instead of trying to please everyone else and just do the “right” thing.
I’ve done the whole let go thing before as well where you just cruise through and do what you want. I’m not going to lie, it was probably the best times in my life. I only pulled it off by constantly being on alcohol and working in between. Just going out all the time and not really caring about anything. In saying that though it got old pretty fast and I started to feel like an alco so I gave it up and ended up in the same place mentally. Questioning everyone and what they were doing, and also everything. I honestly think that there is less wrong with people like us and more wrong with the way the majority conforms with the socially acceptable.
I feel all the time lately that I don’t know what I am or what I am here for. I think it’s probably the most common question in my mind, although probably like you my mind never shuts up.
I’m actually pretty surprised your younger then me I thought that you were a bit older from how you wrote. I have one close friend in my life and he also has similar thoughts but shows them in a different way, but point is you’re absolutely not the only one that thinks that way.
I’m in Austraila so I’m well awake past sleep time as usual but man feel free to send me an email and we’ll get a better communication going on or something. I know you said before you don’t have a lot of people in your life and I’m much the same. I’ll come on here again tomorrow to continue this chat but its rare to find someone in the same mindset and it’d be good to keep in touch.
Cheers for your kind words about my writing. It’s flattering as English isn’t even my mother tongue, I’m a Croat living in England. To be honest, I don’t think anyone knows what they’re here for, but most people don’t care and those who think they know are just deluded. I think on the one hand, were here for no reason other than to reproduce and evolve like all other forms of life. The trouble is that humans have highly developed brains which can make us aware of things that we probably shouldn’t be aware of. On the other hand, I think every single one of us serves some purpose in life, that it’s all just an experience and our only job is to learn and grow through making mistakes. No one can ever know what their exact purpose for being here is though, as everything and everyone is changing all the time. We all probably serve many purposes throughout our lives. There’s no way it could all be random and pointless because we’re here. If it was pointless then why would we even exist, why would anything? This is the kind of shit I think about while making a sandwich, which is probably why I’m so f-ing anxious 😀 I think we should both try to relax and have fun, that’s all you can do.
Yeah, we should definitely keep in touch.
Take it from me, I’m almost 30 and yet I can easily very relate with all the comments above. @josh is right basically: you’re not alone.
In fact, there’s actually a community with similar like-minded people (although only very few), try google “free MBTI test”, and try the first result that comes up, see what u’ve got. I myself am an INFP, and also like to over-analyze/think too much, seems to be INFP’s tendencies.
Or google also “Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) test”,
then Indigo, starseed.
You might be surprised that u’re actually not alone..there are people like us..although sadly and unfortunately, only very few in between.
This world is such a stupid world, with majority of people unfortunately are dumb, ignorant, shallow, selfish…even Hitler agree.
Thanks for your comment, niki. I know I’m not alone, I just often feel that way.
That is the reason I want to go.
Been hearing my thoughts since I was a kid.
But you have to play to the society norm to survive a certain way, well I did anyway and it sucks that I cannot be me. Just all the little inner wacky parts of me that I have to keep buried to get along.
Like you josh I went on cruise control … that was in university… and like you I had the time of my life. I locked my real self up and was like them. And then soon as uni ended… my self broke out. It would not be chained. So suffering through daily interactions at work with people and then diving into fiction and fantasy in my free time which keeps me able to keep food and shelter.