I overdosed on painkillers again. I told myself i wouldn’t because it wouldn’t do anything. But i did. I keep telling myself i don’t deserve to live. Why does that make me feel better?
Mom thinks my despicable brother is the only one with mental problems. If it wasn’t so stupid, it’d be hilarious. She made me make him dinner, and then she gave me a hard time because i wasn’t feeling sorry enough for him. Said there was nothing wrong with “me”, now was there? I wonder how she’d describe my death wish.
I don’t think there’s anything mentally wrong with my brother, besides the fact that he knows how to play our mother.
I’m being incredibly unfair, but i hate him too much.
20 comments
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You should approach your mom one day and tell her about wwnting to die. Or u could overdose in front of her. Wat kind of mental problems does your brother “have”?
No idea. He’s skinny as hell, but he does eat, so heck knows why. But hell, he’s a dancer. All dancers are skinny, at least all the ones i know. All i know is that he’s a mean, humorless idiot who likes to greet me with “hey, fatty”. I know he’s younger than me, but now he’s 17 it’s just not holding up anymore.
Phah, tell mom? Yeah, and make her “pray” over me. I’m so sick of her and her religious fanaticism, you have no idea. I don’t want to live in her house and waste her money anymore, but i’m just to hopeless/useless to do anything about it.
I wish i could just leave myself and float away.
Why don’t you just leave home?
I did. Had to move back. Money. Can’t study, couldn’t make a properly self bragging cv if my life depended on it *pfff….*… And I’d fail at it if i ever did manage to get someplace to work. I’m scared of everything. And I’m useless.
Or maybe just very hard on yourself…
Why do you OD on painkillers if they don’t kill you?
I guess…. Because i can’t cut my wrist, it’s as good a punishment as any.
Edit: of course, somewhere in my naive little brain, I’m still hoping it’ll work. I can be stupidly stubborn like that.
You’ve been trained to believe that you don’t deserve to live, that you deserve to be punished, etc etc. 3 guesses where that training came from… so honestly, get out of home. You can’t make any progress if you are surrounded by people who constantly tell you how shit you are – speaking from experience. You can find a way to make it work, if you get away from all that negative influence.
BTW, your brother is a dancer and skinny and ill-tempered? This is a stab in the dark, but… bullemic/anorexic? Or closet gay? There’s usually a reason that people are mean, and if you can get him talking about it, maybe he won’t have to keep being mean…
Why he’s mean? Nah, thought of those things. Don’t really care. I should. But I don’t. And I know why he’s mean and ill tempered anyway. It’s because he hates me, too.
It’s not my family’s fault I’m useless. It’s mine. I trained myself this way just fine on my own.
I’m sorry for you pain.
All of it.
In all its different shapes and forms.
I hope you don’t do it again…again…
It’s of course your choice, but after all–what do you gain?
If I may be so bold, if all you want to do is to lose the suffering you have, which, indeed, is not only attainable but a great goal indeed to have, I would hope you stay and discuss matters, rather than succumb just because of the horrible and ignorant actions of others.
You are not weak, not stupid, not anything of the sort, and you shouldn’t punish yourself for the failings of those around you.
Why would you train yourself to be useless? Because you feel you don’t deserve anything, right? So, who is making you feel that? And, before you say ‘I did it myself’, well I don’t believe you. I gather you’re young, too young to have lived and failed miserably enough at life to have any solid evidence to back up your feelings of low self worth. Understanding where these feelings are all coming from is important in moving on. In the same way that understanding your brother is important.
You are quite clearly NOT ‘just fine on your own’.
I’m ditching school like some kid because the assignments scare me. How is that not my fault for being useless?
one_day, you’re right. I am young. Young, stupid and destined for nowhere. Did i ever say i was fine on my own? But latching on to other people is making me sick. I’m tired of being the banana peel in class who gets by on other peoples hard work, tired of sitting down like some overgrown blob of flesh doing nothing. But I can’t seem to do anything else. How is that not being useless?
I can’t even pick a dream and follow it, because i just wind up hating it. I am good for nothing. I am the opposite of king Midas. Everything i touch turns to… well, you can imagine. I leave half started assignments and illegible notes everywhere, and none of it makes sense! Now i’m afraid of it. It’s like some kind of phobia i can’t get rid of.
I’ve never looked forward to the future, and now that I’m in it, i hate it even more. So yes, this IS my fault. It’s in the very essence of me, and it won’t change just because i wish it to. I should die.
As for my brother, he is inconsequential. It’s all just sibling games and alliances. It’s what comes with big families. I don’t care anymore. Not really.
“I’m ditching school like some kid because the assignments scare me.”
What assignments?
If it’s anything English…I LOVE English, and have an AA degree, and would love to help, if I can…you can e-mail me and such, and even–I do this with some of my tutoring clients–e-mail me essays, and I’ll put some suggestions in, and e-mail back…
My cleints often pass, so if you want it, the help is there.
In any case, English or not, I do encourage you to stay in school. It sounds a bi as if you have something of a fear of failure, or esle just feel overwhelmed by what may seem like an insurmountable amount of work, or jsut the overwhelming force school itself can be.
If THIS is the case, this is perfectly normal, and feeling concerned or even frightened in the face of something that feels so vast and overwhelming is normal–even trying to run away from this sort of thing may be seen as normal, as we as human beings have a “fight or flight” response, as I’m sure you’ve heard.
As a means of self-preservation (both physically and for our own sanity and peace of mind) when faced with such threats or obstacles, we are compelled to either fight, or “fly away” from these problems.
UNITING against a problem can be an effective way, perhaps, to overcome this?
Again, if others, here or elsewhere, can help you in facing this…?
It’s very nice of you to offer, and as it happens, i actually am studying English… But even if i were worthy of your time, I’ve pretty much already failed out this semester. And even if i hadn’t… I just don’t have the discipline.
Oh, and that’d be ALL the assignments, no matter how harmless. But especially the essays.
Well, what if I try and help, anyway?
I want to, I enjoy it–one of my heroes is Sherlock Holmes, as you can tell, and he’d take a case for no money and for no other reason sometimes than he wanted to help someone and he was interested.
I’m always interested in English, and I want to help…
AND if you ARE failing this semester so far–what have you got to lose?
You ARE worthy of my time–and anyone else’s, I would suggest you don’t feel as if you’re not…it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You’re a living, breathing person, with potential–already you are fully “worthy” of anyone’s time.
(And I LOVE essays…I type EPICS, my longest being 37 pages, and 26 pages, and a 4-part, 48 page series of 4 essays linked together this semester…I get A’s, and my clients do well on their essays.
So if it’s especially essays you need help with…Sherlock Hamlet is on the case, if you’ll have him…and even if not, again, you ARE deserving of a good life and whatever help you want or need.)
My teacher already gave me my last chance. Didn’t take it. If i’d been someone else, maybe i’d have taken you up on your offer, but… right now, you’re just making me cry. Sorry 🙁
Anyway, there’s a bunch of Christmas cleaning to do, and if i don’t mom’ll be in hysterics. I won’t look farther than New years eve, because right now, there’s nothing there. I’m too scared :\
Actualy yes, you did say in a previous comment:
‘I trained myself this way just fine on my own.’
You’re not young and stupid – just young and vunerable.
If thinking about the future is freaking you out too much… don’t focus on it. Just try to put one foot in front of the other.
yes, which means i trained myself to be a pessimistic loser all on my own Ô_<
I am. But in the face of reality, that's probably not going to be enough.
Anyway, Sherlock, how on earth do you manage to love essays? I really do not get it. Even pet spiders make more sense than that.