On wednesday night I went on a wild night of drinking with friends, I was feeling pretty down from all of the shit that has been going on in my life. I just kept drinking, I couldn’t stop!I drank so much that I passed out and my heart stopped. Someone revived me but then it stopped again. Why couldn’t that person realise this was how it was meant to be. I’ve been trying for such a long time to leave, leave all of this pain behind and I managed to do that, but here I am feeling worse than ever.
I lost all faith I had in “god” a while ago and after that night I’m convinced there isn’t one. There are so many people that need to be saved in the world, yet I’m the one that was saved…I didn’t even want to be saved! Would “god” let someone continue to suffer?
The only reason I haven’t tried taking my life again since that night is the fact that I scared alot of people. i didnt mean to scare them, the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt them! But I know that i’m not living for myself if I carry on, I’ll be living for them. I’m broken as it is and they don’t understand that, all they see is someone thats recless and irresponsible.
I know people will forget about this soon, because life goes on. Just like when I take my own life, life will simply carry on. I’m tired of bullshitting myself. They don’t care that much. They keep telling me that they would be lost without me, but I know deep down their only saying that.
People keep telling me that my he was a sign that I should cherish life, but it’s just made me hate it more. I reached my destination only to be dragged back to this hell hole. I can’t fucking carry on like this. I’m done! I won’t let life screw me over again!
3 comments
People who want to live will.
Even with the toughest grief they will continue to do so.
Because they actually want to be here.
They will miss you and remember you but they will carry on because that is their path.
This is not to induce you to leave.
That is up to you.
If you are truly ready for an end to all things. and truly wish to no longer try, then I wish you a speedy journey.
As I will be taking my own once I finish a few things.
I felt very similar when I regained consciousness after my suicide attempt. My heart didn’t stop though. The drs could not tell me why I was alive and why I did not have any permanent organ damage. To some, it was a miracle. God saved me because he wasn’t done with me. I believe he wasn’t done with me either. But whether he wants to torture me or take the pain away is still to be determined.
I have news for all of you that are considering suicide. Life does not simply go on. My Brother suicided in 2007 and the pain that my family and I have endured is immense. There is nothing like it. I can tell you that I cannot even speak aloud about my Brother without tears falling. The pain that you will leave people with is very real. Suicide does not end the pain, it simply passes it on!!!!!! Is that seriously what you want to leave this world with? Paining all those that loved/cared about you when you couldn’t love yourself enough to try and ask for real help.