i don’t know what to do.

  December 13th, 2011 by blueblueblue

If anyone saw me or knew about my life they’d think how lucky I am. I’m in a steady relationship and have a roof over my head with loving family.  I do have friends at school, and a lot of people tell me I’m pretty.

BUT;

That’s from the outside. No one knows anything about me from the inside. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I can’t talk to my christian family because they’ll just laugh it off as a joke. my boyfriend does understand me but he can’t do anything to help me. i can’t talk to anyone else because i’m afraid of what they’ll say or feel about me.

most nights i can’t sleep til 1am because of my “attacks.” i lay in bed thinking about death, and not being able to feel any emotions, not being able to see, touch or anything. i just can’t bare it. i’ve had these attacks since i was 12, but they weren’t as bad. now, i cry, i shake i can’t breathe i can’t get ahold of myself. i just lose it so bad and i hate it. the worst time i decided to write things down, and i read it after. tbh it creeped me out and now i don’t wanna sleep at night. i just wanna end it all cause im so scared its gonna happen again.

i hate my friends and my life at school. they all smoke, drink and do drugs but little do they know that a lot of my relatives have died/ are dying from smoking, lung cancer and etc. it annoys me but i can’t do anything about it, they’re gonna judge me, and then i’ll have no one. cause i’ve been bullied all my life. i just can’t take it anymore. i don’t know what to do. can i even do anything? besides kill myself? we’ll soon find out, won’t we…

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