At the end of the year, and the end of another shitty week I look at my contacts list on my phone and realise that I can’t call anyone without them feeling put out. They will feel like they are obliged to lend some of their time to some low-life scum like me, and at the end of the transaction they will feel like they regretted spending their time doing so.
I have wasted my opportunities at life… and death. Instead of using what I got to end my pain, I wasted it in small doses ‘recreationally’ and ended up just prolonging the pain… Though I still have enough to kill myself if I fasted for a day and got drunk beforehand.
I am just a waste. Every time someone thinks they can talk me into a good mood they end up realising that I am a lost cause. It inevitably happens every single time. The only path I can see to gain fulfillment is through becoming a junkie, but I don’t want that kind of existence. Even writing this is a waste of time. Nobody here really cares and nobody out there will read this. Nobody cares about mental cases or junkies.
I’m at the end of the line. Right now it is an hour and a half before new years eve. If I get a phonecall in the next 25 1/2 hours with some kind of life-altering news then I’ll see what lies in store but if not, I’m going into the new year in a coma or dead. Why the fuck am I even bothering to write this…
2 comments
I read what you had to say, I relate to what you have to say and although I don’t know you at all I care about what you said because it’s alot more honesty than I’ve heard in a long time. I know that’s not worth alot, but it’s true.
How do you expect anyone to help or reach out if you keep CHOOSING to be miserable? If you have the money to “become a junkie” you could most likely afford to take one of those contacts out to dinner as gratitude for “putting them out” as you say. Just because you are poor or don’t have much of anything does NOT mean you have to ACT like you need to take things from everyone – if you ACT like a lowlife scum – you will get TREATED like a lowlife scum … try treating folks with kindness and respect and maybe you will get some of that in return.
Good Luck – people care – but you have to accept the caring and try to help yourself and meet them at least half way – no one is going to come live your life for you