I finally know “the when”

December 1st, 2011by InternalHelper

If any of you read my previous post awhile ago, then you would know that I figured out “the how” and “the why” and “the where” and obviously “the who”, but I could not figure out “the when”. I have now decided when I am going to do it, and I feel so much better now. It is a relief. I feel so calm, and it feels like the first time in weeks that I can get anything done. I was going to wait until after the holidays, but I have decided not to. I know that sounds selfish (and according to most, the very act of suicide is selfish), but I have some good reasons for not waiting. I am not going to share all of my reasons because some of them sound psychotic, but I will share one of my reasons cause it’s not personal. Though I am like 99% sure my method will work (I read some autopsy reports that indicate my method will work), I want to do it after my semester ends in case I fail (to die). If I have to be alive, then I want to be in school. And if I fail, I will be committed to the psych ward for at least 2 weeks (based on my previous hospitalizations), so I should be released before my new semester begins.

I am not going to post my exact date, since I read what happened to biscuit, so please don’t ask. And I won’t tell you what my method is, so please don’t ask about that either-everything else is fair game!

Now, if I get interrupted or something goes terribly wrong, I might end up brain damaged or have organ failure, which would be super unfortunate. At this point, I think it is worth the risk. I have done my research quite thoroughly this time. Although I have been suicidal and hospitalized for that and cutting before, I have only attempted suicide one time. It was almost successful. I got found too soon (miscalculation on my part), otherwise it would have worked. The cops actually found my car (I had locked myself in the trunk thinking no one could possibly find me in there-weird I know. Sounds like I am a crazy person) by tracing my phone. I had called my therapist to say goodbye and was almost unconscious at that point. I had been drinking (though I decided to kill myself before I started drinking) which is why my attempt failed. I do stupid things when I am piss ass drunk, like decide it would be a good idea to call my therapist to say goodbye. I am still SUPER pissed at myself for doing that.  And, by the way, I did not call her to ask for help. I was actually laughing and almost mocking her. Totally out of my character and really mean.

I have two concerns and one question though. One of my concerns is that I will not be able to donate my organs because my method will require some time to pass before it works. I have considered other methods that would be more immediate so I could call the cops, tell them I am an organ donor, and tell them my location. I am just not comfortable with any other method than the one I am planning on using.

The other concern I have is that I will not be able to control who finds my body. I am going to do it in a hotel. I don’t want some random maid to come into the room when the hotel notices that I failed to check out. And I have to do it in a hotel because of the method I am using. Any suggestions?

Wow this is getting long…sorry…one more thing…

My main question is this: Should I write a note? To me it seems pointless to write a note. I was thinking of sending everyone a delayed email that would be automatically sent about 4 days after my estimated time of death. That way, in case I lived, I could stop it from being sent. But I mean, what can I really say? Why say I’m sorry? I would be pissed if my best friend or close family member killed themselves and left me a note stating that they are sorry. I’d be like, “well if you are so sorry, then why the hell did you do it?” I don’t know. I could try to explain why I did it, but I can’t really put my reasons into words. Plus, some of my reasons are because of past abusive things that have happened to me, and even after my death, I do not want anyone to know about those things. I’ll continue to think about it, as I have a couple weeks (roughly) to clean up all the loose ends before I take my last breath…

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