I used to think about suicide all the time. That was years ago. Since I have had my daughter it has been a rare, fleeting thought. Something I knew I could never do. Never do to her. But lately….
Things have always been hard, even before I split from my husband. All the usual shit, he cheated, we fought… blah blah blah. It was so long ago I don’t even really care anymore. I managed to make it with the baby on my own, but it was never easy. I don’t remember a time where I could ever pay the bills. He never paid support of course.
I have been on assistance, but have always tried to work. I work now. I make too much for assistance, but not enough to live. I work shift work. Evenings and weekends mostly. My daughter has problems at school and I am sure some of it is due to my schedule, but what choice do I have? I have so many bills, no matter how much I work I can’t pay them.
The stupid thing is that I am book smart. I could graduate any college program. If I hadn’t been such an idiot when I was younger maybe I could go back to school, get a degree, get a job that would pay the bills and allow me to spend time with my daughter. That is an impossible dream now. All dreams are impossible. There is no end in sight. There is never going to be a time when I am not worried about the hydro being shut off or how I can put gas in the car to get to work. There is no foreseeable end.
I can’t take the stress anymore. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I am still paying for a bankruptcy and racking up the debt at the same time just to pay for life. My daughter would be better off with my parents. I would be at rest. Thinking of not being here for her breaks my heart, but thinking of a life of … this…. I just can’t.
4 comments
First, you should know that no matter what your living, or working situation may be, your little girl needs you. She needs her mother. If you do this, she will go through the rest of her life knowing that her mom committed suicide. I can’t imagine what a childhood like that could be like, I don’t want to.
Second, you can get scholarships for school. Many of which will award you with more than just tuition costs. There is probably a scholarship out there for single mothers in situations similar to your own. This website searches for scholarships you may be interested, or qualify for based on the information you give them http://www.fastweb.com/ There is ALWAYS hope, stay strong for your little girl!
Yech. And then onto of all that you have December stress to deal with. If it’s any consolation I can tell you’re a good mother, ever if u can’t see your kid as much as you’d like, she will understand when she’s older. If you suicide, that she will never understand. Take care of yourself and try not to let all the things overwhelm you. Just focus one one thing at a time
I understand how you feel. Like is very taxing at times, but for some of us, all the time. Just stay positive and believe that you can change your life. Maybe you can start off taking online classes for a degree? I’m sure your daughter understand that you are trying your best and loves you. I also feel often that life is not worth living, but I’m sure your daughter thinks your life is worth it. How depressed would your daughter be knowing that she wasn’t enough for her mother to want to stay alive? I have faith that you will find a way out of your troubles. Tackle one at a time and they will all crumble.
There are plenty of scholarshuips for single mothers.
Check out the website dragonlove gave you.
And maybe even the normal fafsa website or your local university could give you tips.
Why don’t you see if you can move back in with your parents for a while to ease the financial burdens.
If it is feasible to do so allowing for travel to and from your job.
Or maybe find another room mate somewhere.
Hopefully you find a way to stabilize and grow for yourself and your daughter.
Because death is the end.
And your daughter may end up confused as to why her mom left.
It is your choice, but hopefully life turns out to be a better one for you.