I just dont want there to be another day

  December 12th, 2011 by TheFerg

It’s hard for me to express this in a good way.  I tend to keep this kind of thing to my self because I don’t want to be perceived as some show off; some attention seeking guy who wants sympathy.  I dont post my thoughts on my facebook or on youtube videos I just keep it all to myself.

I’m using this because; well I don’t really have a good reason.  I just felt like typing it out; maybe putting it all down on a screen might help me a bit.  To be honest I don’t want sympathy; the idea of it makes me feel worse; it makes me feel less human than I already do.  Really the only thing I’m looking for is change.

When I wake up every day my life goes in to a specific pattern. Up at 6am go to work, home by 6pm, play games, sleep and continue.  It’s a rather lonely schedule.  But it doesn’t come with the advantages of being alone; I still live with my family (22 years old, graduated from uni now fully employed) so I live by their restrictions.  And in a household of disabled people where you’re pretty much the only full bodied person that can be a lot of restrictions.  Iv’e many a time had guilt thrown at me because I left something out or misplaced something and that made it harder for my family; so I get a bit of a hard time there.

But a big problem is I lack an escape from anything else.  I have no friends; really throughout my life I’ve been a friend of convienence to people.  No one really likes me, but on the plus side no one really dislikes me either.  I’m more of an object; I serve my purpose and I’m easily thrown away.  I’ve lost count of the amount of times where people have just cut contact with me.  Even recently a friend who told me I was the most important thing in her life now has replaced me and I’m all alone, abandoned.

I guess it was hard for me to fit in at High School.  People treat me as if I have full control over the issue; but that’s a false assumption.  People are products of their environments.  If you label someone as an outcast and treat them as such and they become that then why is it their fault?  How do they escape that?  It’s akin to being thrown out into an orchestra expected to play without any practice.  You cant practice because people wont let you.  I was hounded and beaten by half the year and the other half wanted nothing to do with me.

My love life has also; always been a mess.  I’m still a virgin (which in my country at 22 is pretty rare).  The truth is no girl has ever liked me or thought of me in that sense.  I feel ugly from that; it’s a conclusion that I’ve drawn based on the evidence.  Sure I’ve met women who will tell me the opposite if I ever mention this feeling; but their response is just cliche ridden.  It’s also rather silly since they themselves would squirm at the possibility of me doing anything with them.  I guess it annoyes me that ‘m going to miss out on something I’ve wanted for a long time; and I can’t do a thing about it.  Don’t get me wrong; I try in this area.  I try a lot but I’m so quickly ignored you’d think I didn’t exist.

So I guess to sum up this big rant/ramble.  I just dont like waking up anymore.  I know as soon as I walk out that door there is nothing that will change; this cycle has pretty much existed throughout my entire life and I dont find anything enjoyable about my life.  I look forward to nothing; I rarely leave my house on a weekend.  I just want things to be different; I want to be different.  I don’t like that I’m me.  I spend a lot of time getting angry and beating myself (permanently injured my jaw by punching myself in the face).

I desperately need a change in my life; I want to be like all the people I know.  I want to matter to people outside of my family.  I want s girl to be attracted to me.  It’s annoying that what I want is just common place to a lot of people; but is a rarity to me.  I cant stand the excuses of “everything will work out” when there’s not a shred of evidence of that happening.  Sure things worked out for other people but stuff didnt work out for a lot of other people; I’m not an idiot but I get fed this crap anytime I state what I’m feeling.  And dont get me wrong I appreciate the attempt to make me feel better but I feel like they’re just enabling me by making me think things will change.

I dont’t know what I’m going to do but much more of this and I think I’ll do something to end it.

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