I have come to realize that I am actually insane. Daily thoughts, coupled with prior experiences and prior thoughts have allowed me to become an active member of society, to which I function and seem normal to most people I will meet. However, with thoughts ranging from being out to lunch, seeing a steak knife and imagining impaling myself in the throat, to seeing a person who is slightly annoying and vividly seeing me bash his head in with a brick, I’m pretty sure I passed the ‘Maybe’ and into the ‘Definite’.
And that’s just the physical thoughts.
Mentally, I’m a trainwreck. Due to a horrible experience with the girl that I was (possibly still am) madly in love with for 4 years, I can’t have sex anymore because I freak out and all sexual drive dissipates immediately once I get into bed with a girl (no, not gay), I contemplate suicide multiple times a day, I’ve started talking to myself more than someone should, and I have not been truly happy in over a year, among others.
I used to be a heroin addict, stopped using all drugs for two years, but since the time with that girl, I have been drinking or doing any mind altering drug possible, just to get out of bed in the morning when I wake up; I do this to quite the symphony of chaos which is my mind.
I will use this site to discuss other shortcomings in my life, which will lead to my eventual suicide, to which I am predicting, will be within the next year or so. It will happen, because I won’t be able to cope with the sins of my past, and the drugs will stop working, and I am not strong enough to continue on once these coping methods fail me, because I have tried everything else.
I am a 20 year old male, from Rhode Island.
I have been used and abused, to which now I just use products, because I do not wish to continue the abuse towards people.
And yes, I do love being slightly Insane.
7 comments
Oh, forgot to mention.
I have been suicidal since 17, to which I have attempted my own life 8 times, and one OD. I have come close to death three times, the OD included.
Yaaaaaaaay
Yaaaay…lol, brother, how do you know what insane is?
The definition of insanity is doing or thinking the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.
I relate to everything you wrote, and feel ya. It’s been brutal for me and a challenge to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly….I realized it’s all part of life and it’s all good however an experience or relationship unfolds. The secret is how you respond to it. The more you see everything as something that’s there to help, teach and provide growth for you the more you’ll slowly see yourself shift into a lighter and more positive perspective. Focus only on how you want to feel and what you want. Don’t allow your current experience to be the all telling truth of what you think is the only way things can be. Allow the belief that it’s all good and you’ll figure it out along the way.
It’s in you to do. Your choice. But realize you deserve the best. It has been done before. Be well.
If you think you’re insane, then you might as well be insane. But there’s always the possibility that you’re not. I guess everyone is insane or has been to a certain point, just because you don’t lie on the socially defined spectrum of normal, does not mean that you’re insane. To me insanity is a point of no return, and while you can still see the different aspects, I don’t consider you in anyway insane. You’re still rationalizing.
I could be wrong though.
Nobody is normal and nobody is insane.
We are all our individual selves.
Those classifications have their purposes in specific arbitrary situations.
But do not apply to the actual perceived truth of reality unless you want them to.
Seeming normal fools quite a few people because many people do not want to see misery so their senses , even if there is a detection, block it out
The sexual dysfunction happens. Because I was coerced into having sex with women by peers and family, once I have sex with a woman once or twice I cannot do it anymore. And I’m not gay either just really did not care about sex that much.
As men, any emotional or mental issue in our lives can kill our libido.
You are strong because you stopped drugs for two years.
Hopefully the site and some on it can help you to not take yourself out.
That is if you want to live.
If you are like me and life means nothing anymore than I wish you respect and peace.
Just make sure that it is what you want because death is the end to all things.
No more girfriends or anything else.
lol at least you can get a girl to get into bed with you 😐 I’m forever alone </3
If you understand you’re insane, it means you can get out of there.
You even could cope with “sins of your past” while bonding everything into one point and forgetting them, concentrate on another subject, not drugs, if possible.
Heroin.. Probably the only drug I wouldn’t do. I just don’t see the point. But I’d do just about anything else to feel normal. Strange, isn’t it? How abnormal we get that we need something synthetic just to complete us.
Estacy, MDMA, Coke, Weed, Speed, any number of narcotics.. Strong ADHD medication.. That was almost as bad as the estacy. Almost ended in my death. Couldn’t handle the crash. Couldn’t feel normal anymore.
As much as I don’t understand, at least I can say part of me does. Drugs stop working one day.. That’s the day it’s all over.. Everything.