this is kind of long, so if you dont want to waste your time, then dont read this. its not that good anyway.
its been about 5 or 6 months since ive been on this site, because i tried to stop because writing more depressing things was pointless and a waste of time. i know im not the worst off, there’s plenty of people on here that have it so much worse than me that i feel guilty for being suicidal. but i have to write once again because i have that feeling that maybe I’ll meet someone on here who has maybe been in the same boat im in. and im on the edge and i have exploded inside and need help.
im pretty much suicidal again because i have been sooo lonely the past year that its eating me alive. i want is friends, i want to go out and have fun, party, maybe even get drunk and do other things, but i cant. because i dont have friends that love me or care about me. i used to be a christian but im not really sure if im there anymore. i’ve lost my faith in god, though i still pray sometimes, like once a month maybe. but anyway..im stuck at home doing chores, waiting for my dad to stop screaming at me, waiting for my sister to stop hating me, just waiting for something, anything better. for friends. friends who want me for who i am. i actually have a boyfriend but its so hard. we never fight, he’s a really nice guy and i really like him but he has no clue what i’ve been through, and he’s starting to get a little bossy. he has sooo many friends and i always find myself jealous of him, because he has everything that i might never have.
my dad forced me to take counseling because he knew that i used to cut and burn my arms. but counseling is seriously the worst idea on this planet. its such a waste of time. the other night i attempted suicide with pills, once again. i wish it worked. next time i’ll take the whole bottle.Â
i think depressed people can see the world and everyone in it from a true perspective. happy people are too joyful to pat attention to anything thats not good, or not enjoyable.
well if you read this then thank you.
8 comments
Good post. I agree, that counseling after you’ve covered all your stuff is only refocusing and rehashing what you already know you’ve experienced and what’s needed is the way to learn, grow, and move on. All we’re saying when we go to counseling is, someone else can fix me and it just recycles the experiences we’ve already had.
I honor how you feel, I honor my own state, and feel no shame or guilt for what life has caused me to become. I encourage as much as you can to give yourself the benefit of the doubt…life fakes us out all the time, the key is to stay in your own corner and have as much care and strength for yourself as you can. Feel free to shoot me a msg if you feel. pauld891@gmail.com Good luck.
it’s not easy being alone with your own thoughts all the time they can destroy you… i used to be a christian too i guess and while i dont want to give up on that though i pretty much have.
i agree that counseling sucks and doesn’t really do shit a complete waste of time and like you i belive that the happy people in this world are blind to whats really going on around them…
i’m sorry that your having a hard time and i wish you well and if you need a friend you can email me if you want at gamerinsane45@yahoo.com
it’s not easy being alone with your own thoughts all the time they can destroy you… i used to be a christian too i guess and while i dont want to give up on that though i pretty much have.
i agree that counseling sucks and doesn’t really do shit a complete waste of time and like you i belive that the happy people in this world are blind to whats really going on around them…
i’m sorry that your having a hard time and i wish you well and if you need a friend you can email me if you want at gamerinsane45@yahoo
Well I can say I’ve been on the same boat. There is such a thing as thinking to much. From what you say you do need someone to talk to, but someone you can trust. Have you tried telling your boyfriend how you feel?
Believe it or not, I was the way you were for about 4 Years or so, just sitting around everyday thinking about how I have no purpose in life. You know what? It’s true. There’s no point. However, that doesn’t mean you should be tortured while you’re around eh? It’s true when you say people who are Depressed will see the world’s true form, and you’ll think that way the rest of you life. But, that shouldn’t stop you from doing what you want to make you happy. If you are lingering on the negatives, fix them. It sounds stupid I know, but every time you do you feel a little better.
For instance, I hated How I was sitting around all day. I was just playing computer games really, so what I did was delete them all, went and shaved my face, got a hair cut. Felt better just by doing that.
But most importantly, you need to tell someone how you feel. Whether it’s yourself, your boyfriend, or anyone here.
Hope I wasn’t to cheesy, not the best at this kinda stuff.
thanks guys, @ heartless25, i’ll email you
@thenewguy, i kind of tried telling him but he didnt really seem to care, i just dont want to tell him directly because it destroyed my last relationship
Loneliness is a very strong boon for a lot of people.
I would suggest you tell your boyfriend.
Because if he cannot be there for you during the hard times and understand then maybe he is not worthy of your time.
Tell him directly and tell him you want to get to know his friends as well so you can have a social group.
Do not feel guilty for your feelings. Pain is relative from a certain perspective but your pain is yours. And no matter how trivial it seems to others it is the burden that holds you down.
I do not think any of us see the world from a true perspective.
Only the one which all aspects of who we are have influenced us too,
Happy people just accept the ups and downs as part of the whole.
And that is the way to be like them.
Everyone cannot or does not want to accept things.
And those choose to exit but there is nothing after that.
If you want to live, then you must accept.
Best way to stay alive.
And hopefully you will meet people to stand by your side in your journey.
@SuicideThoughts He should care, that’s what a significant other is for, to be there for you when your at your most vulnerable.
Most people will normally tell you that it gets better with time. Of course that’s not true unless you want it to be.
The World is MEANINGLESS. All Meaning is Man-Made. So make your own and make it well.
So do not treat life as a way to pass the time until you die. Do not try to “Find Yourself”, you must MAKE YOURSELF. Choose what you want to find meaningful and LIVE, CREATE, HATE, CRY, DESTROY, FIGHT AND DIE FOR IT.
Do not let your life and your Values and your actions slip easily into any mold, other than which you create for yourself, and say with conviction, “THIS IS WHO I MAKE MYSELF.”
Do not give in to hope. Remember that nothing you do has any significance beyond that with which you imbue it. Whatever you do, do it for its own sake. When the universe looks on with indifference, laugh and shout back “Fuck You!”. Remember that to fight meaninglessness is futile, but fight anyway, in spite of and because of its futility.
The World may be empty of meaning, but it is a blank Canvas on which to pain meaning of your own.
Live Deliberately. You Are
FREE.
The fact we, are even alive is a miracle within itself, nobody stops in their day to say. “Wow, I’m Alive.. I Can THINK, I Can CONTROL. Everyone will always think of petty things such as clothes, materials. They fail to realize that just the fact you are thinking of you existence is unique among existence.
So, I hope you paint you canvas, because no matter what you color it. It’s yours. And only you can paint it something beautiful.
thanks, that helps i guess. its just hard because right now im not that free, and im trapped inside a world of 2 families and its really hard, and im afraid to tell my boyfriend anything because im afraid i’ll lose him too, and i eally dont want that to happen because i really like him, i want to tell someone else but i dont want to burden them with my secrets because my depression goes a lot deeper than just loneliness, even though thats a big part of it