Ive been living on this earth for 25 years. Of those 25 years, I can say Ive only enjoyed the first 18. When I knew what love was. I lost my mother at 18. My father was never in the picture. Murdered at the age of 20. I loved my mom. God I loved her. After she died I haven’t felt love ever since.
I.cant explain love. No one can. But you know who loves you. and who just deals with you because that’s what family supposed to do. I live in a cold family. They aren’t rich, but wealthy enough to have a 4 bdrm lake house 2 vehicles and a boat. There’s no love here though.
I try to do my best. I make good money even. Money wont buy love. Not that Ive spent a single penny on them since Ive moved here the last month. I moved in to help myself. I want to go to school. I wanted to find happiness. I love working on high performance vehicles and driving them.
Living here is taking me further from love. I had to sacrifice a few things I love to move here.
1. Pot.
2. Alcohol.
3. A base of good friends.
4. Self reliability
5. My dog…
I love to drink and smoke pot. It gets me away from the hate, stress, and bullshit in this world. Now that I’m sober. I really hate life more than I have my entire life.
My friends. Well they truly weren’t the best friends. We hung out all the time. Every day i got off work, i knew i could give one any one of them a call and pop a cold one roll a fatty and relax. I ha vent been able to unwind.
Self reliability. Well I was about to be fucked anyway. I bought a truck, paid for, but still I’m upside down in. A lemon. But I was living on my own, going to work everyday on a moped. Paying my own way in life, and that made me happy.
My dog. Originally I was not allowed to keep my dog. I did find love after my mom died. And that was my bud Sammy. A neighbor that I honestly did not trust, said she would look after my dog. Shit went downhill and i wound up with him here. But I cant go outside and play with my dog here. they have a little shit dog that my uncle is scared my dog will hurt…. which wouldn’t hurt a fly. He is the most well behaved dog I’ve ever known, other than a true working dog. Ive spent many of many hours training him.
I now live in a shed. I had to throw or give away over half of my possessions to live in a unlevel shed.
I’m thankful that they let me move in to save money to go to school. I know that I’m just using them though., I couldn’t do it on my own. not for a very very very long time anyways.
What the fuck is love now. Love for my dog is the closest love i know. Really though, he is a possession. I loved him at first and still do. Really though I could snap his neck, through him in the lake and feel nothing now.
I DON’T FEEL ANYTHING.
All I feel is what every hard working American feels. The need for the all mighty dollar.
FUCK the dollar.
It is a miracle that life exist. Why do we waste life on such a trivial thing as the dollar. We are nothing without it.
Life should be about love, happiness, and peace.
Where is it? How do you find love happiness and peace???????
Ignorance is peace. why? because when you learn how fucked up this world is, You’ll never find peace again.
Maybe a piece of lead will do it. Maybe a noose. Maybe driving down the wrong side of the interstate at 100 mph. Then maybe ill find peace!
Mama I want to come home.
2 comments
Personally I think u should move out. Living with people who you don’t love, who don’t lOve u, just makes it harder for u to find love. Also sounds like u r starting to resent yourself a little for ‘using’ them.
Sorry about your mother. At least it’s clear yr capable of finding love, and yr mum would want u to keep searching
Could be worse than sleeeping in an unlevel shed, …… take some intiative and leve the shed your self. Ist it would show that you are respectful of a place to sleep.
It sucks that a money is important, you can say fuck the dollar all you want and that aint gonna ever get you anywhere.
Farmer grows tomatoes, spent money to do this, then the grocery gets the tomatoes so anyone can walk in and buy the tomatoe.
Everyone has to make a profit to pay the bills.
But guess what here in America money can be created out of an idea or product. There isn’t a finite amount of wealth unfairly distributated. There is no such Animal as National Wealth ( if it exists it would be in a bank earning interest) There is National Debt.
Before Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Wossiak, the hundreds of Billions of Dollars they earned and Billions they paid out to employees, investors, and sales, did not exist.
It sucks having to have a dollar, but go get you some.
Become a master plumber and you’ll havw work till the day you choose to stop.