More meds

So yesterday I visited my psychiatrist again for our regular weekly session. He’s a pretty nice guy, and he kinda looks like Santa Claus too which is pretty cool. But he’s sort of infamous for taking people off of their meds even when they need it.

Well, yesterday was pretty different. We only had a 30 minute session, which was shortened to 20 minutes because the place was so busy that it took me 20 minutes instead of the usual 5 to get checked in. Anyways, we talked about a lot of things; my anorexic tendencies, my sleeping problems, my intensified nightmares and flashbacks about my uncle, and my suspicions that my roommate hated me and kicked my boots over every morning because I forgot to set the morning alarm properly.

I was on 75mg of Effexor every morning before yesterday’s session. Today, I’m on 75mg + 35.7mg of Effexor in the mornings, and 50mg of Trazodone or 25mg of Seroquel every night. The Trazodone and Seroquel are supposed to help me sleep, and the Trazedone is a lot cheaper because there’s a generic for it, but I’m worried about taking it every night because it’s also supposed to be a lot more addictive than Seroquel.

The cost of all these meds don’t worry me as much as the implications behind them. The man who is supposed to be infamous for taking people off their meds is suddenly piling all these pills on me. Does that mean that I am worse than I thought I was?

I have to admit, ever since I got out of the psychiatric hospital for severe major depression, I’ve been feeling better. But after Thanksgiving, it’s just gotten worse. I don’t know why, there haven’t been any triggers and I had a great time. The only thing out of the ordinary was that I didn’t eat like a pig during Thanksgiving. I have to lose weight after all.

But lately, although I haven’t been thinking as much about suicide as I used to, I just feel so hopeless about everything that it is impossible for me to function and get up and out of bed. I’m missing classes, but to be honest, I couldn’t care less because it feels like everything is worthless for me right now.

And when I do think about suicide, I know that it could be so easy. All together, I have 6750mg of Effexor, 1500mg of Trazedone, and 1500mg of Seroquel sitting on my desk right now. If I take them all at once, and that would be easy, because they are such tiny pills, I know I probably won’t wake up.

I don’t know what to do and how to think anymore.