First, let me say that I don’t need, want, or give a damn about anything involving religion, hotlines, or life in general. PLEASE just go away if you have nothing better to do than “help” me.
The following is nothing but a rant. Skip to “/rant” if you value your time at all.
I am probably not the most miserable person in the world. I’ve never met the degree of physical torture that many people endure, but does that make me any less entitled to a choice? My life was completely average for the first ten years of my life. I was a kid, I had friends, I laughed and cried, I had a family that genuinely loved me. On my tenth birthday, I was having a great time at a party with all my friends, until my mother came over to me and told me we had to leave, about five minutes into the party. To this day I do not know why I didn’t ask or say anything. I guess I knew somehow that something was wrong, despite her attempts to hide it with a brave face. On the way to the hospital, I was completely silent. I remember playing with a toy that I had received from my best friend. I sat in the lobby (or whatever its called) of the hospital for about three hours. A nurse brought me three different flavoured popsicles, none of which were particularly good. Eventually, I learned what happened. On their way to my birthday party, my father and sister had been in a car accident. My father was dead. Writing this, I realise it sounds exactly like the beginning of a touching movie where a (semi-?) orphan learns the power of friendship. My sister didn’t die, in case you were wondering. She is alive today.
What was the point of that badly written autobiography? Nothing really. Its not all that important. Short story is–I’m disturbed emotionally and psychologically. I know it too. I tried being emo once. It was stupid. I didn’t realise until later that “emo” is just a label created by clothing stores to sell ridiculously awkward clothing to angsty teenagers. I didn’t really like getting attention, so that phase didn’t last long. Nowadays I just sit around and don’t talk. I think to others, my most distinctive trait is that I hardly ever talk. Even when someone is directly talking to me, I will often make an effort not to respond to them, even if it prolongs the “conversation” further than If I just answered “yes” or “no” or said “shut the fuck up and go away”. I have no friends because people (including and ESPECIALLY myself) disgust me. All I know is that I’m very, very tired. All the time. Sleep doesn’t help. Its like my heart is tired, rather than my eyes. An aching tiredness in my chest that is never eased.
/rant
Am I just a stupid angsty teen like those I criticise? Probably. Do I take life for granted? Quite possibly. Do I give a fuck? No. I’ve made the decision to kill myself for ONE reason. Its easier. I don’t have to worry about myself or others. At all. I’m probably going to go with the “exit bag” option. I won’t really elaborate, because that probably violates the rules of this site, but I think I can safely say that I’ll be dead around the New Year’s Eve. Also, a bit of information I’ve left out, I’m not exactly old enough to drive out and buy… “materials” …or I’d be dead already, and not posting this. If I comment again after New Year’s, it means I didn’t have as much conviction as I thought I did, and have decided not to go through with it. Maybe I’ll take up religion. Ha. Laughable.
7 comments
You are a beautiful writer. Try honing in on that skill before you end it
Loneliness in the sea of human race… I’ve felt it too..it really sucks, depressing, and sad..
Just want u to know that u’re not alone in this ironically vast blue quite beautiful Planet called Earth..
i was also contemplating suicide, i dont know if theres much that will make you change your mind about it, but i would highly recommend you read the power of now by eckhart tolle. its a book about the author who was on the verge of commiting suicide and then suddenly out of nowhere found the will to live. i proberbly wouldnt be alive today if i hadnt read his book. hes very famous world wide. and given many the will to live with his work
You are really a great writer.
And I must say your post didn’t feel angsty but real and raw.
Whatever you do, good luck.
You, your mom and sis have already endured the loss of your father. This will tear them apart.
You definitely do not come across as an “angsty teen.” It is a well written post. You have endured a lot of heartache in a very short time and I completely understand your mindset. My only suggestion to is think a little more about the timing if you decide to go ahead with your decision. Holidays are a bad time for most people anyway. Your mother and sister will never get thru this time of the year if that’s the reminder you leave for them. I would suggest hold off until after the new year and revisit your decision then. (It’s what I’m going to do.)
This goes against all I believe in, but I have to ask anyway. Should I write a note explaining that I ran away from home, and then kill myself discretely where the body will not be discovered? I’ve told myself countless times that after I’m dead, none of this will matter, but I guess some part of me is still human. I think it will make it infinitely easier when the time comes if I don’t have to think about other people and the impact on them.