I saw not too long ago a post with regards to a “recipe for happiness”, or something to that effect. I was really impressed with the amount of forethought and time that was put into it; you could tell that it was genuine and sincere. I have my own recipe:
1. Smile
2. Laugh
3. Enough opiates to kill a small pony
P.S. The opiates help with the smile and laugh part.
Also, I am leaning more and more to an OD suicide. I mean, I don’t really want to OD again, but, the first (and only) time I did, it was an accident. At least if I pre-plan it, I can get enough Heroin to kill myself, and also stage it to look like I relapsed and did it only this once (Not that I have been using again for the past three months) which will make it slightly easier on those who I leave behind.
Your thoughts?
13 comments
My thought is that you sound seriously depressed. I am so sorry that you are in that place. I have been depressed WAY too often to count. I want to die too. Heroin sounds like a way to do it. I hope though that you do hang on. Is there anything in this life or world that you like or enjoy or care about? I only ask because I am hoping that there is something that can make you want to hold on. I try daily to find something that makes me want to stay around. It’s getting harder to do though.
oh, of course there are things that make me hang around, but that is all i am doing. hanging around. I inherited a very large amount of money, and i just don’t see the point in my using it. i have moral issues with using the money, and would rather it go to other people. also, any other inheritences that i would acquire, if i were to die and leave a note saying “I want all monetary values that I have, or will have, to go to my brother (name), he will know what to do with it.” then he would be able to put the money to important things: like paying off his college loans completely (he already put a lot of money towards it, but still owes about 50 thousand US$) and towards our younger sister so she won’t have to pay for college or a car or anything else.
so yeah. i have also thought ahead and thought about taking out a very large life insurance claim. if i were to die of suicide, i would have to wait 2 years and then it would cover suicide. however, if i were to get murdered, say, after three months, then my brother could collect on that. boom. more money for everyone, all i have to do is die.
I wonder if your brother would rather have you in his life than the money. What do you think?
Greetings. I’m new here and your postings was the second history I’ve read. I read all your posts actually. Seems to me you aren’t in a particularly bad place. Thats from the outside looking in of course. Perceptions are rarely if ever are correct.
You write pretty well. Your thoughts, from brain pan to hand, seem to flow in a logical and predictable pattern. Sounds like you’ve had a pretty tough go of things for a long time. Drugs, alcohol, abuse. Never a good combination. I am at the end of my rope as well. Been there for a couple years now I suppose. Difference is I’m 55. Had a great career. I was actually doing what I had wanted to do since I was 10.
I was an Air Force Special Operations Law Enforcement Officer. A military cop with an addiction to adrenaline. Injuries took me out the game. Ended my military career and any hopes of continuing into a civilian law enforcement career. That was 15 years ago. Between then and now my injuries have continued to get worse. An old head injury never healed and as a result I have a dead spot in my brain about the size of a nickle. Just so happens to have affected the communication lines between my brain and some fairly important operational aspects of living. So, thats my sad story. Figure you should know a little about me as I have learned a little about you.
OD seems to be about the best way to move on to the next experience, whatever that may be. It can be painless. Not messy, and easier for those left behind to cope. Heroin might not be the best choice though. I’ve seen the results of several heroin deaths. Some accidental. Some intentional. In all cases the victim suffered. A lot. Even worse though is ODing with the intent to die, and failing. There are a lot of worse things, but a failed OD with heroin is right up there.
You said you’ve been clean for two years. Congratulations. That is a pretty major achievement. I’m guessing here, but the two years you stayed clean were most likely more difficult for you than what you are going through now. Course it may not seem that way. Pretty hard to get an overview of things when you feel like you’re neck deep into it.
You said you were 20 and from Rhode Island. You said you were going to school to be a teacher to help others who have been through experiences similar to yours. You called it a dream, and said you were giving it up. I think thats not such a great plan. That ‘dream’ may well be your ticket to being happy and living a fulfilling life.
I suspect with very little effort you could find a rehab or drug awareness group that could use you as a volunteer to reach out to kids who are just starting to go down the path you already traveled. You could be fulfilling your dream right now. The strange thing about helping others is they can also help you. That was my stress relief for a lot of years.
I worked in the local schools as a mentor, reading partner and even as a first grade mascot of sorts. I really enjoyed that. Typically I spent 15 to 20 hours with kids each week. But then the next tiny piece of my brain died and excessive daytime fatigue turned to chronic fatigue and narcolepsy. Its been almost five years since I last visited a classroom and spent anytime working with kids. I cant even leave the house because I’m always so tired.
Well sir, I’m rambling and I’m pretty sure my rambling isn’t they way you want to spend your time. I copied your questions.
1. I am doomed to always be a miserable cynic aren’t I?
— Yes you are. So long as that is what you think you are. That said, you dont come across that way here.
b. That dream proves that I am losing my mind, doesn’t it?
— The dream doesn’t mean anything other than you have a lot of anger and no way to deal with it. I have similar dreams. I also have dreams re-living my combat experiences. Losing people I once saved. Watching my family die because I couldn’t save them. If anything, having bad dreams supports you having a strong, well functioning mine.
3. By the way, I’m 20. I’m supposed to think like this, right?
— I dont know. I certainly didn’t. However, my son when he was 20 had similar thoughts. He turned out pretty good. I say from the little you have revealed about yourself here, your thoughts are neither good or bad, normal or not normal. Seems to me your inner person is looking for something.
Anyway. I sincerely hope the new year and up coming months will allow you to find something to focus on that has meaning to you.
Lol @ #3 😀
oh yes. but. the money is much more useful. i would help to solve any financial burden he has.
I wonder if he too would have moral issues with spending that money. Oh well I do understand. I stuck around for a very long time because I didn’t want to hurt others but I am tired of it now. Both my parents died in the last year and it makes leaving a lot easier.
Hey McInnis,
Firstly, i don’t believe ‘money’ is a moral issue. Money is a tool, like a hammer, a nail. It can be used well to build things up or used poorly and destroy things.
Money doesnt not have any morality. You do. People can have many biased thoughts on may things, money, sex, relationships, but it doesnt mean they are right nor healthy.
That said, “if” you believe you don’t trust yourself with the money, you can put the money is a trust fund or long term deposit (at least a majority of it) and keep working and staying clean and maybe spoil yourself ‘a bit’ or family with something. A gift? A Holiday? Something they need?
That way you reward yourself a bit, don’t go overboard, save your money for a day when you feel better and will need it for something more important, and likely stay away for temptation to waste it.
You sound pretty smart – stay that way.
Cheers buddy
AdAs
ps insurance claims don’t cover suicide usually….it’s usually an escape clause for insurance co’s paying out.
@mcinnis haha ur recipie made me laugh lol now obviously id prefer if u lived but were u to die and if u wanted a health plan u must make it look like an accident, anything suspicious and like adastra said the insurance company might not pay out, which u can kinda understand. Im sure ur brother and sister would prefer to have u than the money but i commend u for thinken of them even as u contemplate suicide, hoping for them to prospper from ur death. while i agree heroin would be a good way to go i dont think u should use it for a couple of reasons. Firstly do u realy want to be remembered as a junkie that od, secondly wouldnt it be nice to leave this world in full controll of urself, thirdly as mentioned above the insurance risk and lastly wouldnt it be nice to go heroically or something? in say a house fire that u rushed into to save someone or in a hostage situation that u tried to help and died in the process… just a thought man, just a thought.
Procel, you & ur thoughts lol ….they are out there I’ll say that :).
Haha its simple logic. that one thing i never got was how others never got it nd cheers adastra i take that as a complament… of sorts lol
Procel, i like “wouldn’t you want to go heroic or something”…. *lol*. Made me laugh literally.
I guess you have a point. Be remember in a positive light? 🙂
I personally am not suicidal, but I’ll help other’s in their thoughts where i can.
But you’re post/perspective, did contain some humour. Good to see.
Taek Care mate.