MY TORMENTED MIND

My mind is like a bottle with boiling water with no escape ready to explode idk what to do everyday I stress everyday I have thoughts that if someone heard them then I’d be put away idk what is wrong with me but my life is nothing I can’t drive due to some kind of fear stopping me I don’t work because I’m afraid of crowds and get really nervous I go to school but yet I drop out because I can’t concentrate all I do is draw evil things which I am pretty good at and play video games to relieve my stress I have so called friends sort of I don’t see them as anyone close because I lost the feeling of having some one close my parents ruined my life at 7 by devorcing and just doing the wrong thing after that I am 20 I live with my dad and he always yells at me when he’s mad he tells me “u don’t want to see me get mad I’ll kick u out of the house and make ur life hell” but when he says that I laugh inside cuz lil does he know that his son is 10x worse then him :/ it’s gone so far our bad relationship that whenever he talks to me all I want to do is stab him with my knife and watch him scream and tell him u no dad u worship god well keep praying cuz ur going straight to hell and guess what I’m the devil I will torment u forever for making my life shit!!! Idk what kind of help to get I’m functional u see me u won’t notice anything is wrong I haven’t done anything because im afraid of jail and pain I’ve tried suicide and failed n got put in a ward for 2 weeks…..idk my mind is driving me crazy I feel like I’m going to become a serial killer if I could I’d become a hitler of killing people who I didn’t like life is nothing but torture and to me if I could id trade places with my friend who passed away he deserves life not me