My unremarkable life.

This is pretty much my life story. I wrote it a while back but never posted it.

I’m Lex, a 20 year old female living in Michigan as I always have. Why am I here? Just to talk about myself for the time being.

My story is an unremarkable one. It offers no true explanation to why I am the way I am, today. But it’s the truth as I know it.

I was born and raised in a very small town on Lake Michigan’s coast. My parents weren’t truly “together” when I was coming up. I seldom recall them even being in the same room. It didn’t really bother me, as it seemed I had a pretty normal life. I had a loving mother and grandmother, an older brother who always protected me,  and plenty of cousins to spend time with.I also had an older sister with cerebral palsy and many other conditions. We always collectively took care of her, even though I was emotionally closed off towards her. I was very oblivious to the odd and dysfunctional dynamics within my family. I was oblivious to nearly all the troubles of the world.

When I was 4 or 5 years old, my mother moved my siblings and I away from my father. I don’t remember much during those times. For the first time I’d been separated from most of my extended family. Most of the time I was simply bored.  I came to find out later that during this time, my father had relapsed on drugs.(both of my parents are former addicts from long before I’d been born)

For the most part, I was still happy and blissfully unaware of the world around me. When I was 6, my mother found a new boyfriend who was very good to all of us. He cooked for us, took us on little trips, and always bought us gifts for our birthdays  and Christmas. My father was out of the picture for the most part. Admittedly, I seldom thought of him. My mother and her boyfriend became partners running a pretty successful local business. Money was rarely an issue then.

When I was 9, my mother found out her boyfriend had been having multiple affairs. She broke up with him and gave up her business and became very depressed. She mostly sat at home, sleeping or watching tv. We all stopped taking care of ourselves and gained weight. I had premature acne which, in combination of being overweight, earned me a good amount of bullying. In hindsight, I think I may have Aspergers syndrome because of my odd behaviors and lack of social skills, even today.

I began to hate school with a passion. I was fairly intelligent and somewhat advanced but I received low grades because I neglected my work so much.

Throughout the remainder of my schooling, I made few friends who at times would talk badly about me. They pulled pranks on me, such as giving out my phone number, ordering 100 pizzas in my name(tee-hee), stealing from me, and spreading rumors about me. Most of this happened in  jr. high school.

That was the first time I’d considered suicide. Everyday I wished I could disappear. I’d wake up in tears because I knew what the day ahead of me would bring. There were times when I tried to keep my grades up; times when I tried to look my very best in spite of being  very overweight; times when I’d try to work up the confidence to simply say “hello” to a boy I liked or try to lose weight. It never lasted. After being talked down to for years you begin to wonder if the effort is even worth it. I became lazier, more depressed, and more withdrawn even towards my family.

At age 13, I’d made my mind up that sooner or later suicide would be my exit. I was ashamed and for the first time I cut myself. One day, I confided in one of my friends  that I wanted to kill myself. I even showed her one of my scars. She didn’t react much. I figured she was either creeped out or didn’t care. The next day I begged my mom to let me stay home for the day and she did. She got a call from my principal telling her about my wishes to commit suicide. She held it together through the phone call but moments after she hung up she told me everything he’d just said. She held me and we both cried. I felt dead inside knowing how much I’d hurt her.

From then on, we attended a few therapy sessions together and for the time being it seemed to help. I liked spending the extra time with my mother one on one. It was the springtime and the weather was warming up. I remember these times fondly. However, we eventually stopped attending  therapy for some reason.

When I started high school, things were okay at first until my mom got sick. She was ordered to take bedrest for months until she could have the surgery she needed. While this went on  my dad (by this time he was sober again) came to stay with us to help out around the house and with my sister. This was an awful time because my dad and mother didn’t get along.  He was very rigid and mean to us. It seemed like he wanted to spread his misery around to all of us. M sister constantly needed attention and my mom constantly slept. I began to resent them all.

At school, I was still bullied just not quite as often. By then, I was very withdrawn and didn’t trust anyone. Never smiled. Never made eye contact. Rarely spoke out of turn, if at all. I spent almost every lunch hour in the empty auditorium or in the bathrooms.

I stopped trying to take care of myself and I stopped doing my homework all together. Any work I did was done in class. I managed to pass most of my classes but with mediocre/low grades. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to attend college any how. I didn’t have any concrete plans or ambitions.

I would often lie to my extended family members about my grades and plans.  “Yeah, sure. I’m planning on going to school for …blah blah blah.” None of it was true but I felt the need to say I was doing SOMETHING with myself.

My final two years passed quickly and I graduated with my class in 2009.

Since then, it’s been a stand still. I avoid my family. They don’t understand me and wouldn’t even if I told them. Older people especially have a way of trying to downplay other peoples issues and problems and at this point I simply don’t want to hear about it.

Where am I? Same place I’ve always been. I’m staying with my mother and sister, working a crappy job, avoiding college. My brother’s in school but barely skimming by.

Am I a lowlife? Probably. A coward? Most definitely. FEAR has kept me in my place for my whole life. Hell, I haven’t even had a life and I’m willing to give it all up.

Lazy? Yep.  I so hate this boring tiny town I’ve always lived in but I’ve never been anywhere else. I  don’t drive. I have a drivers permit but no license and no vehicle. I’m afraid of driving. Why? I can’t really say. My mom has the same problem. She can’t drive more than a half-hour out of the area without panicking. I used to HATE her for that but now I’ve got the same issue. FML

I’m fat, black, and feel unattractive. Well I guess I AM unattractive. I’ve tried losing weight  on many occasions but I continue to sabotage myself in various ways. I could blame my parents for NEVER even trying to teach me healthy habits but at this point, it’s up to me. That being said, I don’t believe I have the will power in and of myself to make it official and change my lifestyle.  I recently looked into trying a weight loss camp or getting a trainer/nutritionist but of course those things are pretty far out of my budget.

But then it ALL comes back to my desire to LIVE. And the truth is I just don’t want to. I don’t want to try to make things better. I don’t want to try to get better or do better.