December 9th, 2011by secrets

Yesterday i got my first college acceptance letter, it was a great feeling. i felt happy for moment. i thought about college, how i would have to move. Move even further away from my brothers. I have a 5 younger brothers, a not so stable mother, and a dad who isn’t present so much. When i was about 12 my life when out of control, my mother lost her self, in her depression, drugs. I had to be a mother to my brothers, i loved them more than i can ever say, i raised them and as i sit here i think how i never did a good enough job. i never told them i loved them enough, i never said to them, boys you’ll grow up to be great men. I sit here and think how they’re scattered everywhere, how much hurt they must feel. One of my brothers is in juevinile right now, i dont blame him for being in there. hes had a hard life, he took care of me the best he could, hes only 17 and hes been through hell and back but yet i sit here and cry. i shouldnt cry, i didnt have it nearly as bad as he did. hes so strong and always has been, acouple months ago when we all used to still be together i saw him cry for the first time in a long time. he cried and said how he felt like he failed on being a big brother, cried about how my mom left us. i didnt know what to tell him, he didnt fail i did. i hate myself for even considering killing myself. i have everything i need in this world, my work, school, im going somewhere. but i dont want to go anywhere without those boys. I wish i could protect them from everything, and hold them and tell them i love them, i wish i could take all there suffering. i hurt so badly thinking about them having to go through this. im miles and miles away from them, i want them to know everything i do, i do it for them. why doesn’t god hear me? 🙁 why doesn’t he protect my brothers? im tired of feeling all of this, im tired of this life

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