Post-attempted suicide retrospective…

Hi, gang.  I just came across this website and decided to add my own two cents worth.  A little background on me is that I’m a 45 year old, single woman, who has a history of depression, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, suicidal since the age of 13 or 14 (around the same time the sexual abuse happened), been through breast cancer treatment and hates her life.  In October 2010, I got caught up in the perfect storm of depression.  Unbelievably depressed, lonely and in physical pain, I decided I couldn’t handle it anymore.  I decided to take 14 Ambien in the hopes that I would just fall asleep and leave this crappy world behind.  Unfortunately, I made the mistake of telling one person who decided to be a hero and rescue my sorry ass.  I’m not entirely happy that he did this.  He thought I was reaching out for help when in reality I was telling the one person in this whole ruddy world that I cared about that I was “shuffling off this mortal coil.”  He called some co-workers of mine (he lived 300 miles away from me at the time) and they called 911 and EMS took me to the emergency room where my stomach was pumped – something I hear is awful but I don’t actually remember at all.  I remember passing out in my apartment around 9:00 am and then groggily waking up in the ER sometime in the afternoon (3:00-ish).  I then spent the next week involuntary committed to a psychiatric hospital – something I never want to repeat.  It’s over a year later and I’m in even worse shape (if possible).  I’m now unemployed, broke, in debt, lonely, and don’t know why I’m even bothering to stay alive.  I was doing better for a couple of months, but as with depression, all the hurt, pain and loneliness came rushing back – especially bad during this time of the year.  Anyone else hate the holidays as much as I do?  Yet another reminder of how shitty and lonely my life is.  I’m debating once again on ending it all but I’m afraid I’ll screw it up again.  Anyway, that’s my story.  For the moment, I’m in the planning mode.  We’ll see if I actually commit to attempting this again.