December 11th, 2011 by LITTLEPINK

Have spent the last few hours procrastinating and crying. Have done nothing today. Don’t really care.

I don’t think I’ve ever had so many friends. I’ve never felt so alone. I left my husband in the summer, I just didnt love him any more. I pissed it up against the wall like I do everything else. I lost him on purpose.

It always comes back to this, I’m so tired of falling backwards all the time. I don’t want to do it any more. I have no family within a couple of hundred miles. We hardly ever speak. I don’t know when the last time my mum called me to ask how I am was. Not once when I left my husband did she check in with me. I have friends, lots of them. But not a single one I can speak to, not about this. Even if I could speak to them I don’t have the words. I don’t know if I even care enough to get better. I don’t know if I’m even telling the truth or just rolling with the drama. I’m sick of not knowing. I’m so confused. I just want it to stop. Need to pull myself together, snap out of it. Don’t let anyone in. They’ll never understand anyway. Everyone wants to be like me, I’m perfect, smart, confident, resourceful… the list goes on. What they don’t know is that they only see 31 years worth of careful engineering of a facade that hides who I really am. I’ve controlled everyone around me but the one person I can’t control is myself.


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