Have spent the last few hours procrastinating and crying. Have done nothing today. Don’t really care.
I don’t think I’ve ever had so many friends. I’ve never felt so alone. I left my husband in the summer, I just didnt love him any more. I pissed it up against the wall like I do everything else. I lost him on purpose.
It always comes back to this, I’m so tired of falling backwards all the time. I don’t want to do it any more. I have no family within a couple of hundred miles. We hardly ever speak. I don’t know when the last time my mum called me to ask how I am was. Not once when I left my husband did she check in with me. I have friends, lots of them. But not a single one I can speak to, not about this. Even if I could speak to them I don’t have the words. I don’t know if I even care enough to get better. I don’t know if I’m even telling the truth or just rolling with the drama. I’m sick of not knowing. I’m so confused. I just want it to stop. Need to pull myself together, snap out of it. Don’t let anyone in. They’ll never understand anyway. Everyone wants to be like me, I’m perfect, smart, confident, resourceful… the list goes on. What they don’t know is that they only see 31 years worth of careful engineering of a facade that hides who I really am. I’ve controlled everyone around me but the one person I can’t control is myself.
Whatever.
5 comments
U’ll get through it, I know it’s hard and if u wanna talk I’m here for you
You are cared about. I wish you lots of luck.
Somtimes life, (leaving a partner) is like switching seats on the Titanic.
Why don’t you give your Mom a call, it’s your facade that you built, she thinks your strong and are handleing this, call her tell her your not ok.
co dependence sounds like it may be part of your life.
Ann Beaty Co Dependence No More
might be worth a read
Please read “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz and get back on your path.
Have you ever been tested or diagnosed with any PPD’s like Aspergers, OCD, depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety, etc. ???
You’re not bad….just broken….and you want someone else to blame…the guy who hurt you…or the girl that cheated on you…or the husband who beat you to death….or the rapist who took your innocence and will to live when you were a small child….whatever
Me….I was born miserable…was sent by PSYCH to a past regression therapist…..i was a suicide in my previous life sentence in hell…i tried real hard to end this reality as well…..thank God I wasn’t successful again……suicide is not an option….wherever you go….there you are….you can’t get away from you….not even then….been there….done that…..
read the book change your reality don’t ever quit…..it is an illusion….suicide is not an escape….so quit running…..you are worth a 3 hour read…do it now
Live, Learn, Love, Laugh always laugh
Amakua
If you ever want someone to listen then I will try. My email is Jigoku_Shoujo @ hotmail.ca