They say the holidays r harder then most other times… Maybe its true, but… I just feel lost all the time. I feel selfish cuz my depression is sparked from something so petty compared to others real problems. Non the less, I feel so torn up inside…
Despite wut my loved ones say, iv never done anything to make any1 proud… Getting through highschool so many years ago was the highlight of my achievements and I haven’t had the desire to progress ever since… I’m at a dead end job and will never be able to complete an education for anything further. Lazy? Maybe…
4 years ago I let a girl in my life who would prove to b my answer to prayers past, but… Due to “burried” nightmares that came back to haunt me… I ruinned that. I did love her, but treated her terribly throughout the course of our relationship cuz I wasn’t man enough to let go of the past, then ended up ultimately destroying us because of greed. Inconsiderate to every piece of pain I had been put through b4… After losing her, I realized wut I lost.
Every second I’m awake I’m haunted with every memory of how I treated her. Haunted by the terrible decision I made that ended us. Haunted by the thought of wut I coulda had if I just pulled my head outta my ass sooner. Haunted by the lack of motivation to better myself. I feel like I’m betraying my religion cuz my faith is so weak. Ripped back to the reality of how shitty my life feels. I know I deserve every piece of hurt I get and I think that makes it hurt worse…
I feel like a failure. I am so messed up in the head I know ill never b able to let this go. I will never b able to move on to a point where I can find another love to fulfil my void. How could I when I feel like i cant even better myself… Then I feel worse cuz this is so petty… But strong enough to make me want to end it. The fear of going to hell is the only thing stopping me. These feelings I have r so sincere, but I can’t even make them sound so when I speak (type) outloud. Iv pushed every1 away with my negativity. There’s no light at the end of my tunnel and I’m starting not to want there to b…
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Hey Desp,
I like this self awareness you show …”but treated her terribly throughout the course of our relationship cuz I wasn’t man enough to let go of the past”.
id your problem is the first step in addressing them, and so doing, ensuring they don’t happen again!
Re …”Every second I’m awake I’m haunted with every memory of how I treated her. Haunted by the terrible decision I made that ended us. Haunted by the thought of wut I coulda had if I just pulled my head outta my ass sooner”..
1) we all have three choices in life only three; we can live in the past (ie memories), or we can live in the future (ie imaginations), or the best place to live is in “the present”. Isn’t that the real gift? So worry less about the past. Make a well thought out letter to her apologising without the need for her to reply or say she understands. Just plainly apologise, and then forgive yourself and start to move on.
2) How exactly was your head up your ass? Explain the issues/situation if you are okay to do so. If not, move from the past and focus on the present. This you can influence, the past you cannot.
When you say, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, i happen to disagree. What you are really saying is, YOU havent been able to come up with practical solutions to your dillemma.
Anyway mate, always happy to help or talk through issues/options/ways forward – here or via email/msn.
Stay well in the meantime buddy and don’t be too hard on yourself. Did you stuff up? Sure. Can you improve life? Absolutely!
Stay well and remember you probably have more courage then most for admitting your flaws. Most hide them.
Use that courage for positive things now. Afterall, it’s weak people that abuse, not strong people. be strong
Cheers
AdAstra