I spent a night with friends. Not real friends. Just people that like me when I’m happy. There was a girl there, somebody that reminded me, with each tittering laugh and quick smile, that I haven’t even been on a date in years. I try, so often, but I never seem to get a girl just interested enough. She showed me some of her favorite music and danced, laughing that she didn’t care if she was no good. Some of the bands I know, but I can’t remember the lyrics. I try to dance, but just find myself unsure how. My interests, at best, are always half-formed. Like a song, don’t care what the artist’s name is. I just love the sound. But I can’t connect with people that want to chat about the concert they went to or the inspiration for the music. Want to dance, but I can’t seem to figure out how to move without looking like I’m awkwardly shuffling. Want to chat with somebody, but I never know more than a general idea of the topic. Standing there, unnecessarily terrified, I have a moment of clarity. I’m always just a little off. So, people will be around me, but forget me when I’m not there. They will be friends, but don’t want to get close. These moments are coming more often. I’m almost in a constant depression now. Too many years of this. I’m 26, and I can remember feeling like this since middle school. Being that guy reading a book in the corner that nobody bothers approaching, that rewards attempts to branch out with a dismissive smile and veneered greeting.
I’ve started agreeing with them. It’s not their fault, after all. They’re responding like I would to somebody I didn’t find interesting. Each ruined moment, decaying acquaintanceship, lost chance…I feel the failure before I begin. I make myself be confident, assure myself that it’ll be fine once I get started. They walk away in the middle of a sentence, finding a need to talk to the person that just walked in. Between nights like these and days to weeks at a time of being ignored, I’m forgetting how to talk to people.
I can’t feel the passion for my interests that make me want to know everything about it. I’m so tired. And I’ll try again, and not care. And again. But I’m just so damn tired.
Some people just don’t have the strength in their soul. I’m just getting in the way of those that do. Pointless struggle, keeping on as a gray man.
4 comments
You are not alone. trust me when I said this.
sometimes it’s a matter of u *KNOW* that there are definitely other people like u, in this vast planet Earth, and also KNOW WHERE to find them.
It’s about Knowledge.
I would in fact say that u could most possibly belong to groups such as (yes, there’s even already the ‘scientific, well-researched’ names for ur traits): ADD/ADHD, or INFP Personality Type (from Myers-Briggs/MBTI Type Indicator). U might perhaps even also belong to category group like: HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), or even an Indigo.
Try google those terms first, and see if they fit u one way or other..then u can find the community/forums of like-minded people online.
At least that’s what I do,..and I do feel *less* lonely now..in this vast Earth…that there are *other* humans beings like me that I can connect/relate with, although perhaps only few in society…but it’s definitely worth it..
just like how I’ve strangely also found a sense of I belong in this dark blue website here..it does help, somehow.
<3
Good Luck is all i can say. Your not alone im tring to live once more again.
I know that feeling. I used to have interests – once upon a time. Nothing has any appeal anymore. The only thought that quickens my soul is suicide.