I do not understand how it has gotten to me signing up to this website, but I felt the need to be amongst others in a similar state of mind to myself. I’ve just turned but for at least four years now the feeling of a silent suffocation has seeped it’s way into my life. At one point i belive i was genuinlely depressed.. and i acted on that, in a big way. Only now i am better, it feels as though i am in a state of limbo, a sort of apathy where i still find myself reading night after night about more depression than suicide, but suicide none the less. Ever begging the question i don’t know, searching for something it seems which does not believe for me. Like an aimless quest. I don’t understand how i can be free from depression but still acting in the manor of how i did when i felt i was. It’s a confusing sort of scenario, and what scares me the most is the fact that i’m scared i like it, this gleaming sharp side of life where i can be reckless with my emotions. Ready to hurt myself at any stage but unable to do it due to my lack of courage and the thought that clouds my head of how ungreatful i am, compared to other peoples life. All the while maintaining this facade of being fine and sane when i feel like the silent scream within my soul is ready to split from my lungs, burst my heart apart and give the satisfactory pain i half do, half don’t crave; and so i come here begging the question – can you answer a question i cannot give, but i know i want answering?
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6 comments
A lot of us on the site sign up for the same reason; so welcome to the family. I undertand the position your in being there myself at the moment. Its the position where you have two options falling back to nothing or fighting your way through to achieve your life once again. Its your choice to make, but the problem is you can’t stay in limbo too long. Time goes ahead and when you wake up you don’t want to be left behind. Your not ungreatful, your hurt and everything justifies what your feeling and you have a right to do so. If you have anyone you trust to talk to talk to them its a good way to help yourself and if not why not keep a diary. Excellent way of storing your emotions. Take care of yourself. Katex
It’s so good to know there is someone else who is in the same positon as me, you’re right about not staying stuck for too long. Really appreciate that advice.. and Procel i’m a wanna be writer who can’t keep diaries! All the same, thankyou so much
Ya a diary is a good idea. I only started one last year when shit became 2 much. It started as a suicide note but i kept going seeking to justify my choice of death. I explained everything and after about 18 pages it kinda just… became a very depressing diary
So use ur stories as ur diaries… Give the main characters ur problems, give sub characters ur feelings… i dont know work the real u into the stories… at the very least it will give them a reel feel
I feel similar to you in a way. It’s like I’m not really depressed anymore but I still come on here and read for hours or go on youtube and watch people’s stories of cutting. The thing is, I think I know what the problem is. You have to be strong enough to pull yourself away from them because they are extremely TRIGGERING. If you watch a video on cutting, it’s going to make you want to cut. So when you read about being depressed, it’s going to do the same thing. I have tried and it’s starting to work, but you really just have to tell yourself to stop. Pull away and do something better with your time, like reading a really good book. It really did help me.
Apathy is actually a symptom of depression. Some people actually don’t realize they’re depressed because they feel apathetic instead of sad.