The Christmas Bell

I always feel the worst around this time.

This Christmas though, I had good reason.

My history teacher decided that he wanted to have a secret santa this year which was fine with me, i like to give people presents and watch their reactions, watch their eyes light up when I know I have gotten them exactly what they wanted, but they don’t know I got it for them. It’s just like the “real” Santa Claus, the story we all know, grew up with, tell to our children in hopes that the magic will last longer for them then it did for us, because it is jus that, magical.

It’s a mystery. Every Christmas you would wake up and run down the stairs, looking for the presents a man in a red suit and white beard left under your tree, not knowing what’s in them, but hoping it’s what you wanted. And it never failed for me, every single year I would go down the stairs, my eyes lit up like our christmas tree that stood tall and elegant in the living room, mountains of presents just sitting under the tree, waiting for me and my siblings to rip open. Every gift a surprise, and every smile worth waiting for.

But on the day we all exchanged our secret santa gifts, and everyone was opening up their presents they had been waiting for, the one from a mysterious classmate they may or may not have known, I got to sit there by myself, with nothing.

I know it seems like  a silly reason to get so worked up, and it wasn’t the fact that I didn’t get a present that really broke my heart, but it was the fact that whoever had gotten the slip of paper with my name on it had forgotten me, or maybe they had deliberately not gotten me a present, but either way, I was reminded again of how much of a nobody I was, how much it really was true that nobody cared enough about me to even get me something from the dollar store as a secret santa gift.

If it was possible for me to sink any lower into the  suicidal hole I was digging myself, then I did in that moment.

Then I got the card.

It was the day before semester break when everyone is taking finals, saying final goodbyes, and suddenly the announcements come on over the intercom, calling off names to come up to the front office. Normally, I don’t pay attention to the voice over the intercom, I’m never called up to the front office for anything so the voice feels more like a seperate entity of our school, a robot maintaining the peace.

“Violet Blake, please come up to the front office, Violet Blake, to the front office.”

I froze in my classroom, dropping my backpack to the floor. Whatever could they need me for, I never did anything worth getting called up there for, not to win awards, not because I ever got myself in trouble, I was surprised the voice even said my name right at all, since I was sure she had never seen it before.

I knew it had to be me they were calling though, it just had to be, since I was almost positive that no one else in the entire high school had the first name Violet. Not many parents choose to name their kids after flowers.

“Violet, aren’t you going to go up there?”

My teacher nodded his head toward the door and it took all my energy to just lift my feet of the ground, they felt more like blocks of lead then actual feet made out of light flesh and bone.

The office was a frenzy when i finally made my way there, past the empty hallways that seemed to echoe my name through them like the voice on the intercom, telling me that maybe I had finally been invisible long enough that someone had noticed me, and they were saying so in the most public way possible.

 A lady with a headset on nodded to me when I came in the door, my fists clenched at my sides and teeth chattering behind my pursed lips.

“You must be Violet, here ya go.”

The lady handed me a present, a friendly smile suddenly coming to her face that I was just now noticing was wrinkled with laugh lines.

I smiled back, taking the little green bag  in my hand and half walking/half skipping back to class. I didn’t even know what was in it yet, but just having a present in my hand for the moment was enough to make my heart swell. It was like in the Dr. Seuss story “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”, I could feel my heart grow three sizes.

I waited until i got back to the classroom to open up the bag, and only one thing fell out of it, a card.

I opened the handmade card wrapped in silver and red glitter, the green construction paper rough in my hands.

“Violet, I saw this and I thought of you. We may not talk all of the time but I just wanted to let you know that I will always be here for you and you should never let anyone bring you down because you are a smart, amazing, talented girl who I will never forget. Keep your head up darling, and have a merry christmas.”

Love, Ashley.

I had to wipe the tears away from my eyes. This was someone I had been friends with last year, who had graduated and gone on to community college, close enough to live in town, but we barely ever talked anymore. perhaps the occasional conversation online, but it was minimal, and yet she had noticed my sadness, had noted the way I kept to myself more, staying away from the crowds and making sure no one picked up on my behavior. but she had, and she had noticed it enough to do something about it. She showed me that she really did care.

I took out the small present that was delicately wrapped in tissue paper.

It was the most beatiful sight I had ever layed eyes on. A small glass reindeer head with a pink painted noise and dotted black eyes adorned the top of a green, metallic bell. I shook the bell close to my ear, laughing at the tinkling sound that suddenly brought joy to my heart and tears to my eyes again. It was the smallest gift I had ever been given, and yet in a way I was going to cherish this gift more then anything else I had ever owned. And all because it meant someone loved me.

I keep ringing the bell now, to make sure I didn’t dream the whole thing, and even in the years to come when the bell has finally rung its last ring, I will always keep that bell, not only to remind me of my close friend, but to also remind me of what she gave me back to me, the best christmas present I could ever receive.

Hope 🙂