One week. No sleep. Deprived. Can’t eat. I’m numb. Mind state frozen. Stuck on one topic. Hope. Wondering if I’ve lost it. Or found more of it. To use as an aid. In helping to survive. Fight. Through every day. Waking up. Thinking how different things could be. If only.. If only.. Two simple words. When put next to each other. Forms the most useless sentence. It’s impossible. To go back and change it. You cannot rearrange it. Life keeps going on. Even when it doesn’t.
I’m a small, almost invisible, almost nobody. Not important. Not worth it. Undeserving. A self-destructive personality. Ruining everything. When things seem alright. I’m a living breathing contradiction. A self-fulfilling prophecy. Just a scared, confused, broken little girl. Who hides it pretty well. From the rest of the world. She doesn’t want your pity. She hates your pity.
She’s got her problems. Like everyone else. She’s fighting a war inside herself.
3 comments
Did some Pharmcutical speeds, a few times during 70’s and 80’s, yet never meth.
I know what its like to be a Crack addict, thats a living hell.
I just started using some drugs lately to try to end my life, never getting it wright.
I know there were years in AA that I was the most content in my life, maybe you can go to a NA AA CA MA meeting, if youve never been just walk in, it could chnage your life.
@caucajun32, I’ve got nowhere near me to go to. I’ve got me. But, I’m content when i do drugs. Ya know? When I’m pissed or sad, it’s an escape. As well as a recreational thing. Meth is better than crack in my opinion. I’m not addicted. I have at least enough control to well, control myself. What drugs have you been using?
@trmblpl, if we need to exchange e-mails, I would love to talk to you. Because I feel as though we do seem to have a similar problem. I hope you’re doing alright.
Hi Kitty
I know how you feel. I am isolated in my work.Old friends dont want to know me. I can handle that but another woman colleague gave me a hug. They know I am in trouble. i will be finishing work very soon. I am 38 and feel the end. I want to speak with you as you seem to have the same problem i have. I just cant go on. Peter