what death feels like

December 8th, 2011by joldan17

I’m 26 years old, i’m married with a 2 year old little girl and a new born baby boy, me and my wife have been together since 2006 got married in 2007 bc she was pregnant, we were planning on getting married anyway she just happen to get pregnant, when we got married her mom did not want me to marry her bc when we were bf and gf i broke up with her and she was very hurt, and when i came back in her life to tell her that i was sorry and that i was a new person, that she was the one for me, i told her i would go talk to her mom and let her know how sorry i was for hurting her daughter, her mom basically told me that she never wanted to see me in her house and that she told her that she did not approve of me, so we got married anyway and when we were at the court house my mom and her mom were to sign as witnesses and her mom would not get up, finally she did, when we had the party at her sisters house, at the end of the party her brother in law started saying “why should i clean up if this wasnt my party” and i said look man we didnt ask you for this party i didnt even want a party, you offered and plus me and her are here to help, he said no its not bc of yall, then what did he mean?? he said it in my face…the next day we were opening presents again at her sisters house where the party was, then we get a phone call from her other sister saying my dad is drunk and making alot of noise outside and the neighbors are gonna call the police, so we went to her moms house and i spoke with her dad got him to calm down and turn the loud music down and then all of a sudden my wifes brother in law shows up saying get the fuck inside, i was like what? dude he turned the radio down hes good, then again he said he the fuck inside i’m not gonna tell you again, while my wife, her mom and her 3 sisters sat there and just watched him say that stuff i told my wife lets go home i aint trying to be here for this, ever since that day, me and my wife fight all the time, she always puts her family before me and no matter what she defends them, i have been suffering for 4 years and i have tried everything i have tried talking to GOD i have asked for him to take my life, i have talked to her and asked her what it is i can do to make her love me, i have went to hell and back for her, i treat her like a princess, i buy her flowers, tell her i love her, hug and kiss her, she just pushes me away and always tells me that i dont do enough for her, she has told my daughter i dont love her, she has done so much to just hurt me with all her words and actions, no physical hurt just emotional which is so much worse bc i have been beaten almost to death by my mom and it didnt hurt as much as this does, i have been thinking about it for 2 years to kill my self, but i’m scared bc of my babies, but no matter what i do i lose bc i’m here and i cant be happy no matter how hard i try, and if i kill my self i lose my kids, i’m responsible, i’m a great dad, i treat her like a queen, so i ask why me god? why did she turn me into the man i am today, this is not who i was, this is not who i want to be, i recently had an accident playing soccer i was in the hospital and guess who came to see me one person, and that was my friend from soccer, and my friend who i love so much she showed up with me even knowing that she knew about what happen she just surprised me..my wife for a bit, can you believe that for a bit…not my mom not my dad, not nobody everyone who claims they loved me didnt seem to care, i died at hospital and they brought me back to life, i wish they would have just let me go, at least then i wouldnt be telling my story i would finally be resting or burning in hell, this life i cant take anymore soon the day will come, i dont know what else to do, i hate to be alone i need love i never felt love before, i never felt affection i know it sounds gay or dumb coming from a grown man but you have no idea how all i feel inside hurts, i wish GOD would just take me, i will kill myself soon in a car accident so that way noone will blame anyone, but everyone is to blame, they are responsible for the way i feel right now..

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