what do i do?

  December 2nd, 2011 by meeeh

I am a 15 year old boy. I occasionally enjot my life, but other times I completely hate it. I am nearing the end of my GCSE year as I live in England, and my family are asking what i would like to do after I finish. They don’t seem to like it when I say “Nothing, because there is no point in living!” I suffer from severe depression, and have some reasonable reasons, and some silly.

First of all, my family. My parents, ever since I was little, have disliked me. I was an accident. I was their xmas present to each other. They were poor, so they decided to have sex instead, and I was the outcome. Ever since, they regretted it. My dad sometimes calls me ‘The Accident’. My grandparents died when I was 3, and I was forced to go the funeral. My mother used to love it when I cried, as she was a saddist. When my brother came along (aged 5) I thought I would have someone else to love me! I was wrong because my dad has turned him against me. He has made him hate me just because my dad never wanted me. However, my sister (aged 1) loves me and is one of the reasons that I am still here.

All of my friendships have ended in tears. When I was 8 my friend left for USA (not a reason for depression). When I was 12, my best mate for 4 years, killed himself because of his girlfriend dumping him. I was distraught after this. I attempted suicide 3 times. Once using pills, and the other two with cutting, my wrist and my neck. He was like a brother to me, and he was gone because of a stupid girl. Now I’m 15, i still have bad friendships. I have 5 friends at most, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. Give me some very loud and depressing music, and I will not care about other people.

Girls and me do not mix, at all. I have had about 4 girlfriends in my life. My first one didnt count properly, because it was like when i was 10, so it was pointless. But my other three were depressing. When I am in a relationship, I always seem to think I am not worth it, and that she is way out of my league. I constantly ask why they go out with me, and it ends up to be annoying. I hate doing it, but it hurts to think they don’t like me, so i’d rather them just dumping me already. At the moment, there is a girl I like, and I tell her private stuff and she tells me stuff. We are good friends, but it makes me paranoid, because (as I have said) my friendships aren’t good, and neither are my relationships.

Also, like most teenagers, I HATE THE WAY I LOOK! I am fat, which i don’t mind being. The thing that annoys me is that I work out, I go on diets, I have not eaten for days on end, but I lose NOTHING! I also know I’m ugly, which again I don’t mind being, I just hate the way girls go for looks instead of personality. Saying that, I have a terrible personality too, so I have nothing going for me. I have extremely low self-esteem, and constantly put myself down by insulting myself or something.

I am, again, thinking about suicide as I have had enough of it. I have worked out how many people might miss me, and it comes up to 9 or 10. That is NOT reassuring. But I digress, and I do not see myself living past 16.

I thank you all so much if you read this. I don’t like to voice my opinions because people jusge me, and call me an emo. But emo’s are all show, no depression. I would LOVE to die right now, but I’d like to see what else life has to offer me. Comments would be much appreciated.

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