With a lengthy family history of depression and suicide, it wasn’t much of a surprise when the depression caught up to me. Â The first wave was in junior high and high school, but the scared, younger version of myself kept me from reaching out for help. Â Luckily, the world seemed to look brighter after a few years, but only later would I learn that almost 100% of depressed patients who do not seek help will relapse back into depression.
I have grown courageous enough to get help this time around, but something still isn’t right. Â I am a pharmacy student with a “bright future” ahead, but all that “potential” doesn’t matter anymore. Â I’m finding myself at the crossroads. Â I feel incredibly helpless yet entirely empowered at the same time. Â I don’t know how to control the stress, the hopelessness, the apathy, the broken relationship, the family estrangement. Â But I do know exactly what to take to end my life, to keep me from throwing it all up, to finally end all the pain. Â I’ve tried so hard to keep my composure and my sanity, but what if I can’t keep it all together? Â What do I do? Â Where do I go? Â Who do I turn to?
2 comments
I could be wrong, but it sounds like you don’t feel like you have much control in your life, and your death is the one thing you can control.
What other things in your life can you control? What else makes you feel powerful?
In regards to your last questions, you could try therapy and/or medication and/or hospitalization. All of those things have given me little bouts of relief from time to time.
I’m sorry you are in so much pain. I hope you find your way though this. In my opinion, if you are not 100% sure you want to die, then you should not make a permanent decision. Just my opinion though 🙂
I’m guessing that since u work at a lab, you’re probably thinking of using short-acting barbs as a means of exit. I’ve been fucking with em for the last week or so – seems like a very pleasant way to go