What if I can’t keep it all together?

  December 3rd, 2011 by pharmer

With a lengthy family history of depression and suicide, it wasn’t much of a surprise when the depression caught up to me.  The first wave was in junior high and high school, but the scared, younger version of myself kept me from reaching out for help.  Luckily, the world seemed to look brighter after a few years, but only later would I learn that almost 100% of depressed patients who do not seek help will relapse back into depression.

I have grown courageous enough to get help this time around, but something still isn’t right.  I am a pharmacy student with a “bright future” ahead, but all that “potential” doesn’t matter anymore.  I’m finding myself at the crossroads.  I feel incredibly helpless yet entirely empowered at the same time.  I don’t know how to control the stress, the hopelessness, the apathy, the broken relationship, the family estrangement.  But I do know exactly what to take to end my life, to keep me from throwing it all up, to finally end all the pain.  I’ve tried so hard to keep my composure and my sanity, but what if I can’t keep it all together?  What do I do?  Where do I go?  Who do I turn to?

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