…this is uncomfortable; writing this.Â
What’s wrong with me…? What’s wrong inside of me that I hurt inside all the time..? Please do not answer those questions.. They’re rhetorical. I am very aware that no one has those answers for me, nor will they. I just want to share my story with you; a little bit.Â
I think about ways in which I could die, all the time. When I’m on the freeway, driving 80mph, it always crosses my mind- I could just swerve; sharp left and it would be over..but someone could get hurt. Not me. Probably. I’m not that lucky. But someone… Like most, I am a coward. I do not want to cause more pain to myself…most of the time; if I can avoid it. And I do not want the responsibility of hurting everyone who says they would care if something happened to me…who knows how much they really would care. They’ve never cared enough to try for me; but I love them, and I do not want to hurt them, or cause them pain.Â
I will be 29 the last week of January ’12. I am female; half mandarin-Chinese from my mother, and a quarter German and Polish, from my father. People say I am very pretty.. They stop and stare and exclaim. All the time. Everyday. It used to be strange…I never could understand why it mattered. I have a brain. An intellect. A personality. A heart. A mind.Â
My parents are both very good people. And by that, I mean that they care a lot for others’ and are always putting themselves out there to do a favor, or help out if they can… though most times, they don’t have the resources to help anyone; even themselves. They aren’t bad people…not perfect..but not bad. My mom’s in China, and my dad’s in LA with my stepmom (she’s amazing to me, too…).Â
It’s just that-      Why can’t I stop the pain…? It’s always there…even before, this. Since I was small. Small and helpless and innocent. Then abused, neglected, and degraded. But regardless, why won’t it go away? I have conquered unbelievable things in my short time here, so far. And at the same time, I have accomplished nothing. Everything has now been lost. And the pain….it was there the entire time; just under the surface. It’s strange how i can tune into the pain; if I want to. It sits there; in me. Waiting. Wanting…? I do not know. It may not matter. Anyhow, I want it to stop. I should be able to do it… I knew I could..before.
I am drained. I wish I could want something, again.. But it is all gone. My love, my friends and family, my work, myself; they are all broken and in shards.. These pieces of my soul; my heart. What can I do..? I have been trying with all the energy I’ve had to feel better. It hasn’t been much, but I am better than most at getting things done…but it’s been over a year now..  I thought I could do it… Over a year and I don’t feel better. More numb inside; and that brings back the guilt. Guilt for not being okay. Is it wrong to “not be okay”? Is it wrong that I don’t remember what it feels like to wake up and not wish that I hadn’t.. I take a deep breath. Release a sigh… I light a cigarrette before I even stir in my bed, and I start trying to think better feeling thoughts; positive thoughts…you know- the one’s they tell you about. Try to work my mind into a happier feeling place. But I’m tired.. I’m so very tired..and hurt.. I want it to end. I do not care if it is me that is ended; I do not care about the method in which the goal is accomplished. Only that it IS accomplished.Â
Perhaps that is why I write this here.     Â
*And please, I do not mean to be rude- but, I do not want to talk about “God”. If you must, I can accept a “higher power”, or something..if you HAVE to try and give me an answer by referring to HIM. Thanks…I tend to shut down at the mention of God and I am trying to keep open while I am writing this..lol..
10 comments
I’ve asked myself the same questions hundreds of times before. I’ve never found anything even close to an answer. But I wish you luck. And peace when your gone and that you feel pain no more.
You remind me of a lot of my situation. I’m going on 9 yrs. Is it emotional or physical pain…seems like emotional/psychic pain…something you can’t put your finger on?
I have a sense of what you’re talking about…I’m a pretty sensitive guy and can tune in.
Sucks to feel like crap eh? But, ya, it’s okay…you’re comparing to how you know yourself to be and you’re not there any more…so ya, took me a long time to accept that. It’s punishing isn’t it…oy. Your looks..whatever everyone else says..I”d leave it out, just honour how you’re really feeling. The why is a perpetual head scratcher.
The pain you’re describing,…possible to elaborate on that? Feel free to shoot an email to pauld891@gmail.com It’s funny when we’re in the sh.. and we don’t know what’s going on and as hard as it is, side with you…no matter what. Nothing is your fault and you’re all good as far as not creating this…I say to myself, nothing is more important than, that I feel good. I”m not saying that’s supposed to cure all…but it may be a start. Go easy on yourself…relax and allow yourself to be as calm as possible. Sending you good vibes.
…the pain..? It’s that crushing, debilitating, sense of loss you feel in your chest when something, or someone, you love is taken from you. Like your heart hurts.. It hurts to breathe, to think, to be. It hurts to feel anything at all.
What is really overwhelming to me, is that the pain I just described is only one of the pains I feel all the time.. Physical pain is daily too. I’m not sickly; but I have had injuries. From car accidents, other accidents.. I wish I could feel no pain for only a little while. I long for an escape from this pain and confusion.
Your post really shook me up because I can relate in almost every way. I used to blame my parents’ divorce and my looks for being the reason people paid so much attention to me. But I know you are so much more than a pretty face or whatever other people have judged you to be. It’s how you define yourself that’s most important, isn’t it? Have you ever spoken to anyone about how you feel? It sounds like you have had trauma in the past that’s still hurting you. I never trusted anyone enough to talk to them until graduate school. I had carried the weight of pain and sadness but masked it with a smile for so long, until I finally broke. The pieces are still broken, but it’s forced me to seek help. I really hope you have someone you can talk to because I know it has been tearing you up. This is not something that will go away. The pain gets unbearable, but please don’t face it by yourself.
There is no one i can talk to.. I have tried.. many times. Tried to talk, to get help.. I’ve been asking for help since I was 4 years old. And not by implying that I need help; i am too forward for that. I very deliberately spoke to my dad, my mom, my brother, my aunts, my cousins, my uncles… i ask the questions and look for the answers..but nobody cares. Or they care but don’t take me seriously. Maybe they don’t know what to do either. It’s so easy for everyone to say, “oh, i’m so sorry you’ve had a hard time. It’ll get better. You’re pretty, and smart. You have a good head on your shoulders. You’ll be fine.” Well, it hasn’t gotten better, and it didn’t get better before.. Guess i’m good at lying to myself..
And trauma? LOL! When I relate only one story to people (not even that tragic of a story compared to some of my other experiences) they tend to ……i dunno. freak out, I guess. Even my parents act like that.. They treat that tiny situation like it was soooo terrible.. Then I think to myself, well f*%$^! If they react like this to an insignificant story, i don’t want to tell them anymore of my stuff.. I feel pretty bad about a lot that has happened in my life. Bad enough alone then with anothers’ reaction making me think more about what’s been done to me.. or what i’ve done to myself.
Thank you, though.. I can’t tell you what it means..that a stranger would take the time to write a response to me..
Today at work, people seemed worried about me. I forgot that people are drawn to help others who are in pain.. My problem though, is that if you don’t really care about me, then pretending or seeming to be concerned or want to help, makes me feel insulted….and then even more hurt that nobody truly cared in the first place. I hate the vicious cycles.. I watch it happening and i cannot stop it.
Could be genetic.
No matter what happens your brain is wired to make you feel pain and want to die.
Or just could be how you are wired up there.
As far as looks that is a natural instinct. Humans are drawn to a certain assemblage of features. Check out the ‘golden measure’ i think it is.
And nobody can know about your inner beauty until they get to know you. So they are admiring the only thing they can observe/
Being unattractive is no better. People only like you after they get to know you. I wish women would look at me and their hearts would melt. But I do not even get a glance.
If you truly want to end it then i wish you a speedy journey.
But once that is done it is done.
Make sure there is no other way for the pain to diminish.
I hate that feeling…. if it is an feeling. An empty void. There are quite a bit of others on here I am sure can relate to you. Not sure how many other posts you have read or how long you have been on here, but more often than not I read a story similar to my own. It makes me feel two ways. I feel ummm better, because there is someone else out there like me, then I feel -no word for it- because there are others like me and there should not be.
I went through a tough time. I am now 15, but i still have the scars. At one point, i didnt feell like there was a reason to go to school, or leave the house, or get out of bed, or even to breath… or to think… or to even live, and i wanted it to end. After swallowing a bottle of some pills i found, i threw them up. I know how you feel. You think you are alone, but let me tell you, you are not alone. There are people who care. If you need to talk to someone, you can call the suicide hotline, or even talk to someone you dont know through a payphone, and call someone in a phone book. It works. Or you can talk to me.
I left you my e-mail is you want to hash some things out. I can help you get your ball rolling in a better direction, but you have to want it bad enough to take that step, and trusting your gut that what you r doing may be unconventional…talking to someone you don’t know but the benefit of that is they don’t have an agenda, unbias, and distance so as to have a clearer perspective on your situation.
I would be to happy to talk on skype if you want. I tried for a long time to get others to understand my situation, and then I realized I had to go it on my own bobbing and weaving with it. Your in a loop stage very aware of your situation..the next step is to move to a place of action and I don’t mean actually doing something physical…but a shift within yourself that says, okay I’m going to find a way to help myself in some form and then those steps take you along your path. You need to let go and stop resisting, because everyone has an internal guidance system that is indicating something, we’re just so caught up in our own drama and trauma that it’s hard to break out of it. It’s challenging, I know but you know everything you’ve tried up til now has yet to bear some fruit for you. Good luck!
I understand what you mean about confiding in family and friends. When they don’t react, they don’t seem to really care. But when they freak out, it makes situations seem blown out of proportion. The few times I have tried to open up to my mom and best friend, they just end up crying along with me, which makes me cry harder. Things just turn out so messy even though all I wanted to do was get things off my chest.
Could you see a professional though? Psychologists and psychiatrists spend sooo much time being trained to listen and help. They know that what you say is important to you, or else you wouldn’t have brought it up in the first place. But they also won’t freak out if you tell them something that would be out of the norm. And of course there’s that doctor-patient confidentiality thing which is reassuring too. I know it’s awkward and uncomfortable talking to a complete stranger about your problems especially when you know they’re just analyzing everything you’re saying. You get used to it, and using their shrink skills on you is incredibly constructive even if it doesn’t seem like it at first.