Who is to blame?

December 7th, 2011by Choke

Today I had my very important presentation. Which sucked.
The teacher said it was boring.
Wow, thank you teacher for being encouraging and bringing out the best in your students.
What gives one person the power to crush another person?
Are we that worthless? Are we that disposable?
Do I deserve to be miserable because I am not “intelligent”?
I hate whoever created the fucking system. The management. Whatever you call it. I would be so much better off living like the animals. Free.
I just wanna be free.
I do not want to study something I hate.
I do not want to spend years just surviving, just making sure I pass.
Sometimes I think I should fail, the pressure I am under is tremendous and I would freaking love it If I could love it. I think only if I fail or dropout of university will that happen.
I wish I could die. It seems so much easier. More peaceful. But I am fucking scared. It scares me. I don’t wanna kill myself only to end up in some place worse.
Sometimes I wish I could lose my mind completely.
Completely.
It would be cool if nothing mattered anymore.
And another part of me says, Why should I die?
Why should I have to kill myself while all the bloody intelligent-perfect people suffering from no illness of the mind live happily?
It feels like there is a worm in my brain gnawing at me. I didn’t ask for it? So why won’t it go away?
I wish I could blame someone.
I can’t pick one person.
It’s everyone and everything.
I hate everyone and everything.

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