it’s not like I have had a bad life… nothing major has every happened to me but I have always felt kinda depressed and social awkward. I can’t go back to a time where I didn’t feel that way maybe in kindergarten but that would be it. I was never the smartest kid I’m my class an I sometimes needed extra help. I have been bullied and made fun of for years. probably starting in 1st grade till now as a senior… I went through so many stages but nothing really ever helped. I have absolutely tried everything I was anorexic on and off for about 3 years. I have tried being belimic but I had trouble hiding throwig up. I cut on an off for about 3 years. it got really bad last year to the point where i got carless and couldn’t hide it as much. I hate my body! opened up to a few people over the years but conveniently every time I opened up to someone that person stops talkig to me one of my other friends who has been by my side forever said that it was because they couldn’t handle it. one girl in my class figured out I was cutting last year and freaked out because I have also had thought of suicide many times. she noticed only because she felt the same way at one point and went to the school counselor. she eventually convinced me to go talk to the counselor with her it ended up with her talking and me just sitting there because I don’t normally tell people things I am not the sharing type normally. I guess it was just how I grew up my family doesn’t share feelings and when someone does they get made fun of. but eventually the couselors realized that they needed to tell my family. I refused because my family knows nothing about me. they called in my mother and had mebin a room with her for 2 hours that was te most horrifying experience of my life me and my mom don’t have the best relationship and I don tell her anything. I need up denying everything… cutting was one thing that made me feel better but I can’t really do it because I have about 3 people watching me making sure I don’t. o have thought of suicide a lot and have even planned it to look like an accident. I’m really confused I don’t know who I am or why to do. I know my mom doesn’t really accept me. and she also denied the facts that the couselors we trying to tell her. I don’t want to go get help because I don’t want my sister or anyone else I know to find out but I don’t know who I am anymore. I have buried myself soo deep I am lost.
sorry for the rant….
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3 comments
I believe that rants are acceptable here.
It seems to me that you’ve tried many different things to try and cope with your feelings – each time getting more extreme. I know that you’ve tried talking to your friends and that it didn’t work but maybe you could try the counselor or a therapist (or here).
For so long, I’ve looked in the mirror, and not liked what I saw.
I was bullied for quite some time in school.
And I can relate to the “nothing major has ever happened to me”. Which is why I would always “wimp out” of really planning to exit, because my life wasn’t as “tragic” as others. But I now know that different people have a different tolerance for pain.
Your feelings are all valid. You have a right to them. Do not be “sorry” for a rant. You have a right to say it.
I relate to everything you’ve said. Keep talking. It’s the only thing I know that has done anything for me in the past.
I have always thought friends are supposed to be there for u but over the past few years I found out most friendships are superficial… they don’t really care about u there are only the select few and sometimes if they don’t understand they just ignore u…
my mom has threatened to take me to a therapist many times she doesn’t know about anything that has ever happened but she gets mad at me for not being all happy and energetic all the time…
therapy is not really my thing neither is talking about these kinda things this is actualy really hard for me to do but my few friends I trust want me to open up and tell the truth…
u said people have different pain tolerances I never understood my my physical pain tolerance was so high when I guess my “emotional” one is low. I really don’t like admitting that.
I’m pretty sure the base for all of this comes from my lack of self-esteem I always say how much I don’t care what people think but I care soo much I have never been comfortable with my body and I guess my personality is kinda hard to get along with too according to my sisters. I am always worried what I am going to say and do or look. if I say something stupid or do something dumb in front of people I regret it sooo much and end up beating my self up emotional sometimes physically. I don’t really know I have classified myself as messed up with no hope a long time ago….
thanks for listening guys