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Fear of Failure?

by deadright

Laying around the past few days trying to get over this sinus infection before I go, my thoughts have revolved around possible failure.  I do not fear success in killing myself but rather starting, and then waking up in a hospital bed with a breathing tube down my throat and my ankles and wrists in restraints.

That actually scares me since I have a terrible gag response to anything touching the back of my throat and even the thought of my arms being restrained would put me into claustrophobic panic.  They could tie my feet and legs but not my arms being pinned down, as that would drive me insane. (more than I already am) 🙂

It is funny that I should dwell on that at this late stage, but I may have to change my chosen location to a more remote spot.  I want to be discovered, but only after I am positively dead, and not sort-of dead where they could bring me back. 😉

For a person that truly wants it, dieing once should be enough. But then they do say that practice makes perfect.  🙂

NDE’s suck.

DR

 

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4 comments

farmerstrong13 1/16/2012 - 10:21 am

Hey. I know what you’re going through. I understand how difficult it is to want to end your life, but fear that you won’t actually die from your attempt. The only thing I recommend is that you don’t even try. Your life may be hard, and you may think that there is no other way out other than to kill yourself, but there is. Do things you enjoy doing, whether it’s reading a book, or going outside and being with nature. Make your life enjoyable. Even the smallest things help. Maybe exercising will help relieve some of your stress too. Suicide is never a good choice though. God put you on this earth for a reason. Let him decide when to end your life. Until then, I’m sure he has good intentions for you living the rest of your life. If you ever wanna talk about what’s on your mind, email me at farmerstrong13@hotmail.com. 🙂

deadright 1/16/2012 - 6:27 pm

Hi farmerstrong13. I started to write you a short reply but then became very verbose and decided to post it separately under the subject…”That’s my story and I’m sticking too it”
In my humble opinion Suicide is an excellent choice for a small number of people, but never for the extremely young.
I have tried most of what you suggested for many years by living life just a small slice of the pie at a time. Life is a race or an exercise, and sooner or later you tire and want to rest; I am at that point right now. It is difficult for some people to understand, but I do not fear death or suicide I look forward to it with happiness. The only regret that I may have at this time, is that I am going to miss some of my favorite TV shows, however that will correct itself as soon as I pass on. 🙂

Dawg 1/16/2012 - 10:51 am

You could always tack an addendum to the note that you are leaving for those that find you that in the event you are found still alive and medical services are called o the scene that you assure them that you are absolutely no danger to act rashly should you be revived and that restraints of any kind will not be necessary.

Just spitballing an idea

overthinking dawg

deadright 1/16/2012 - 12:53 pm

Thanks Dawg, the idea about the addendum is an absolutely fabulous idea; I shall be sure to add that to my “discovered” paperwork. That was the best idea yet..

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