There’s a lot of things going through my head right now. I don’t know how she takes so much Oxycontin and is still alive. I don’t know if I want her to be alive. I don’t know if I love anyone, and I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t know why I haven’t been able to look in a mirror happily in four years. It’s beginning to feel like I’m so disgusted with the face that looks back at me, that I don’t even know if it’s me looking back. I don’t know why I lie awake at night still hoping that something good will come. I’ve realized it isn’t coming. I am overwhelmed with loneliness and stuck in the middle of fucking Alaska for some unknown reason. I don’t know why I’m here or how I got here, but I’ve got to get out. I’m sickened by everything that is my being, quite possibly, I’m through with being me. I can’t take myself anymore. These feelings won’t go away.
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Be strong, Cole. It’s so easy to look in the mirror and see something possibly so different from what we feel inside. May I ask, is it your physical appearance which is causing you to feel this way, or have you started to hate your appearance because of these feelings? Much love xx
I don’t really know which one it is. I’ve been hospitalized twice for bulimia and depression, and no matter how many coping skills I was taught, it still never goes away. It’s like I look in the mirror and don’t know what I’m looking at. All I see is the mistakes I’ve made and how disgusting they’ve made me. I don’t know why I posted on this site, it’s so out of my character, but I figured it was better than hanging myself. I’m sorry for dumping my shit on you, it’s quite ridiculous I know.