slowly but surely digging myself out of the hole of depression that I’ve let my life slide into. I moved out of my moms apartment into a great and affordable apt of my own downtown, close to work, but life still feels so futile.
What’s the point in playing the game of life when my goals are unreachable? They say to get new goals but my aspirations are fundamental to my own happiness. I want a companion but it’s not working out.
I find women that stimulate me mentally and physically but they just keep me on the side, and I don’t blame them. I’m a great friend, great supporter of those I care for. Why would any sane woman jepordize a great friendship with a guy that she can confide in completely? The logical thing to do is keep him on the side and go date some alpha male douche that’ll most likely break her heart, but he’s fun and can lift hay bales and she’s got the best friend on the side that fulfills her emotionally. I get it, I get why I don’t get laid.
I’m not edgy at all; a powderpuff. I’m kind, gentle, soft spoken. I don’t try hard enough, rarely if ever approach women in the wild. I know it’s a game of numbers, that the more people I speak to, the better my chances. But it’s looking bleak. Between ages 20 and 23, I dated about 13-16 women. Most of them fizzled out within weeks, only a handful lasted for months at a time. The women that let me in so to speak were as damaged as I, bipolar, traumatized, schizo etc. They didn’t last because, each time, they needed to go sort out their life.
I could say the same thing for my own but I don’t have a life. I have friends I see on occasion and family I ignore; my life is well defined, but I’m not living it. I know that I can live it well but I’ve put it at a standstill because it doesn’t make sense to go on anymore. I’m 25 now and it’s been two years since I’ve been on a single date.
I’m tired of being cast aside by damaged women and sick of being used as a surrogate boyfriend by women I fancy. It sounds petty, giving up on life because I have no hope that I’ll ever be connected with someone emotionally in the way I desire, to be loved by another who chooses to do so freely, not because of family ties or old bonds.
There’s no point in making myself great if I’ll always be surrounded by women and yet completely alone.
3 comments
If I may say so you are an incredible writer even considering the circumstances. I’m afraid I don’t have any amazing advice cause I’m in a pretty messed up place too. But I am always here and happy to listen to anything you want to say.
Do you know what would be incredibly cheezy? Saying; ‘everything is going to be fine’ Or maybe something like; ‘You’ll find the perfect girl one day’ So I’m not saying it. I understand how you feel. It’s like high school all over again, and I’m sick of being in that routine. I look around me, and all I see is people who have already found that. And on one side it makes me happy to see their lives turned out to be so great, but it also makes me really angry that I can’t seem to find that. And then you tell yourself; ‘Everything will be fine’ But it won’t. Or at least, that’s what you think. They say everything happens for a reason. This shitty feeling you have right now, will one day make place for the happiest feeling you will ever have. And you won’t have to worry that it’s going to leave, because there is a person out there for everyone. Someone that makes you feel good about yourself. Someone who might be slightly messed up, but atleast understands you. And that’s all I can tell you. She is out there. And she is rushing towards you, as fast as she can. Just give her some time. Look forward to that moment, the happiness you’ll feel when that happens, and it will get you forward. It works for me.
‘There’s no point in making myself great if I’ll always be surrounded by women and yet completely alone.’
I’m your female equivelant… surrounded by male friends… only I don’t want to date them. Maybe a suggestion… I find men rarely approach me because I think they are intimidated by the fact that all my friends are male. It must look quite bad… 4 or five guys and one girl? So might I suggest ditching the girlfriends and maybe you’ll do better? Or have you told your female friends that you want more from them?