I had no idea there was a place like this before. I’m glad I found it though, because I’ve been feeling pretty down recently. I’ve thought of killing myself several times in the past and I always talked myself out of it every time. I think the first time I really contemplated suicide was in middle school (maybe 7th or 8th grade). I go through bouts of deep sadness every once in a while and my brain has never ceased to amaze me by thinking about suicide each time I clam up and feel down.
I’ve never talked about these feelings with anyone and I even feel quite self-conscious posting this on here right now at this god-awful hour. It’s just that…the slow build-up of disappointments, criticisms, and failures in my life has become this dark cloud that hovers around me at all times. I feel the pressure of having to succeed for my parents weighing down on my shoulders all the time. I don’t excel at anything because I’ve half-assed my way through life and I’ve settled with mediocre in all aspects of my life. So I have no idea what I want to do with my life and that scares the shit out of me. I thought I loved art/design and I even gave up doing my other passion in life, music, to pursue a career in art. I’m only 19 years old and a freshman in college. I know I’m still young and I have so much more to do with my life, but the truth is…I’m tired of trying. I’m done attempting to be someone I’m not. I hate this person I’ve become. I keep telling myself that a second chance will come along…that a fresh start with present itself to me somehow…that I can change tomorrow. To be honest, I’m lying to myself.
I want it all to end. I don’t know how or when, but my life will eventually end. I just have to choose the when and how. Do I want to die an old woman filled with regrets? Or a young woman with nothing to live for?
I’m so lost. I just want someone to help me figure my life out and pull me up by my bootstraps.
1 comment
I don’t think I can figure your *whole* life out…Intellectually, I’m sure you know that the gulf between “an old woman filled with regrets” and “a young woman with nothing to live for” is quite a gulf. Unfortunately, here in America, we push our children into the “extended childhood” of college, right straight through when we’re not equipped to handle it. I don’t care what anyone says: College isn’t real life. Your story sounds a bit like mine….always assumed you’d go to college straight out of high school, then be the next genius in your field. For me, that led to me majoring in Electrical Engineering, not because it’s what I wanted but because everyone assumed I wanted that because it’s so prestigious. I just didn’t have the aptitude for it. Of course I didn’t go through my teenage rebellion until I was 19 when I finally announced to everyone that EE is not the solution to my career and I floated for a semester to figure it out. I chose to “lower myself” to Computer Science, since I figured I’d be fulfilled studying English but I also wanted to eat with some regularity. Sorry, I have a habit of talking about myself just a little much.
The question I really wanted to pose to you was, do you know or have an idea of who you would like to be? Or are you just not decided, and no field has any appeal? Is it possible for you to stop trying for awhile? One of the reasons my college exists is because there are *lots* of people who don’t go to college right after high school. They take the time to breathe, and don’t just study something for the sake of studying *something* (if that makes any sense).
Do you have support people who will, you know, let you jack around doing nothing for a year? God/Dess knows I would have benefited immensely, emotionally and spiritually, from taking a Mulligan for a year.