I’m suicidal again, four years I’ve been depressed as far as I can remember. Had low self esteem for longer and I kept hearing and reading things WILL get better. I understand everyone is different, but I can’t go on hoping I will find happiness. I don’t want to wait another year, so unless I think otherwise or something along the lines of my not suiciding because I never take chances (by the way, I never take chances). I will probably ***** out, because I am afraid of taking my own life.
I was watching No Strings Attached and decided to stop watching near the end right before the happy ending, to make it realistic, and just go she never found her love or she killex herself to make it more realistic. That’s what I would do, if I opened up to someone and got sorely rejected since it’s the person I love. But then again, that did happen to me except she never had any affection to me in the first place. Probably why I didn’t do it.
So at age 16, I should be happy, dating, doing sports, getting good grades, but instead I’m depressed as fuck, playing video games and hoping I can get a way around getting caught by my dad for smoking weed. That’s the only time I took a chance. Now I’m paying for it.
I’m hoping to get comments, desire some, so please read, skip some of it, whatever, I’m out of this world soon enough…
I live in California, I can’t remember many actual reasons for being depressed other than my experiences in a pessimistic view of the world. I have been using the internet for quite a while and it shows the human race at it’s insurmountable stupidity. *sigh* Humans cannot live in this world without poverty, fear, greed and sin and all the war and shit in this world. There is no such thing as perfection and if there is, then our human imperfect brains can’t comprehend how that would be, or so thats how I used to think when we went to church.
Can someone explain to me if angels are perfect are they good at everything, being good or bad at something? Wouldnt the ability to get good at anything you “set your mind to” be considered a perfect being? Doesnt that mean humans are perfect cause we can adapt to everything?
Well anyways, fuck religion and God’s fan club”. I had set my desires too high after a while. I had a girlfriend but wasnt satisfied with her being obese and i felt like a douchebag but now im a lonely fuck and wishing for a cute girl or pretty or perfect girl to be witg me. Tyats my punishment. Death in my mind is that sweet nectar of “god”, thats a golden stream tasty like honey. But then its very hard to get since it comes at a price, being taken out of this world, burning away from existence…
Even though this is a rant I want comments, expectations are high… Fuck… Sorry for my language
7 comments
Wow you are quite relatable. QUITE.
I’m surprised and glad to hear you’ve been able to survive those four years. Death is something to be afraid of – and something you should be VERY sure of that you want. There is no “Oh crap…maybe not”. Done is done – death is death. And since you’re like em – “fuck religion and God’s fan club” – so I guess that means you believe there is nothing after ( or at least agnostic ). Just want to thoroughly show you what death means… I see how it does seem as a lovely golden stream – I mean ends everything – and washes those feelings down the stream leaving you in peace. But still, I wouldn’t be too quick to washing that all away. Still only 16, and I know you’ve been waiting a long time, but look you’re in your teenage years and there is more and DIFFERENT times to experience after those ages.
Anyway, you’re daily life sounds like me too. Should be doing those things, but hey here you are playing games, smoking weed, etc etc. And smoking is pretty much the riskiest thing been doing eh? ( Hell I’m even in Cali too )
Well you’re 16 – and while those activities are the general things that society thinks all people that age should be doing – doesn’t mean you do too. Look you’ve got PLENTY of time to do dating, sports, etc etc. I mean doesn’t hurt to strive for that if you think those things will make you happy? Well then TRY for those better grades, TRY a sport – try SOMETHING. It’s worth the try – and where’s the harm? Even if you find you cannot well, try other things or just play the waiting game. Nothing else I can tell you there – ’cause you’re life is basically how I’ve been living mine for many of years too.
I don’t think humans are perfect in the least bit. And find it funny that religious people strive for this perfectness – yet so many end up doing quite the opposite. Though what do you expect? WE’RE IMPERFECT. Eh, not here to bash religion – people believe what they wish, and whatever works for them.
As for the girl, again just be active in looking and waiting. I know it sucks to see other’s and their girlfriends and you’re there all alone and feeling shitty. Just means you haven’t found that girl that fits together with you. But I wouldn’t say give up on the hope of finding her. She’s out there – but remember she isn’t going to be falling onto your lap magically.
Well anyhow, that was one long reply. Hope I helped at least a bit, feel like I just made it worse – so my bad if I did that. Anyhow hope you find something to keep you here or at least gain some more experience making some serious decisions that cannot be changed.
-Best of luck
The problem with tge dating is that ive become very desiring of things i dont have after lusting so long. I even took a liking to my hot cousin almost going farther than touching her neck. I feel closer to insanity every 3A.M. Haha look at the time. Also i aint going to college if suicide wont kill me then the army might and if not then suicide again is what i will cope eith till the end.
I read the last paragraph and thought i saw the words use a gun…. Yes im serious but anyways thanks for commenting as i enjoy comments. Hope i dont murder any one other than myself. Goodnighr i guess (insomnia)
Desiring of things you don’t have? How do you mean? Hm, well at least one piece of advice: Stay away from the cousins. Plus I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. Ha
Guess I’m lucky I don’t have a hot cousin…right? Hah
Won’t be going to college? Why not? I’m going to community, they might as well make their application: “What’s your name?” “My name” “Okay you’re in.” I see no reason to not at least try it…Sure as hell probably better than the army, but maybe I’m just biased.
Hm, well now you just WANT to see things. Though I definitely wouldn’t use a gun. Not a pretty picture – especially if you worry about others finding you or something of the sort. Yea no problem, me too. Comments are something to read and think about – unless their mine – then they are just long annoying rants. I’d say if suicide is your answer and you are DEFINITELY sure – I wouldn’t bring anyone else with you. Suicide is YOUR choice of death – not another’s too. Yea…good night. I’ll be up for another 3 hours or more. Insomnia…fun fun
I am a fanatic of guns, but that could be the first person shooting video gamer but i love guns and if i survive the army i mighy go to cpllege with the government maybe helping pay for part of it and hopefully not suicide if all goes well. But i wont be out the depression of course.
Yeah i understand incest is illegal as long as you dont get caught it aint wrong but then again she would have to lust for me too. And if i was sexually active then that would add to the pleasure of eating the forbidden fruit. (ive been reading incest stories too much wishing it wasnt wrong; for masturbation)
I dont worry about people identifyong my body, let them pick up pieces, I’ll leave a bag and cleaning supplies to take care of it.
Yeah insomnia is fun i may also be on for a while. ..
Also ive recently declared im suicidal (on facebook and a beautiful blonde (popular type girl) said if i needex anything she would be there for me and that made me feel good for two days then the happiness became depression again.
Ah I can understand that. But don’t compare a FPS to real life army. Don’t fit very well. Different environments totally. Just saying, I like guns and FPS games, but I don’t find the army and military very appealing. Though going through the military for college and education I hear does work. But sometimes gets you caught in military things you didn’t want to be in.
Well I just find it -shudder- creepy. But maybe that’s because I don’t have an attractive cousin to make me forget that. But nonetheless maybe not the best of ideas – but eh who am I to tell you what’s what. That definitely would be forbidden fruit, lul. Too much incest is wincest?
Oh? Well I mean I’d feel a little bad for making someone clean up a horrific mess. How nice to leave cleaning supplies.
Insomnia is alright – especially if you have games or books or something to do – otherwise it’s flat out boring.
Half of me want’s to say declaring it on facebook is 1/2 attention whore – but that’s mostly because I’m probably a dick. So ignore that. I’d say more of wanting help and such. Well hey, popular beautiful blonde sounds nice. Did you ever try to talk with her? Though I can see why the depression may have come back… does to me too even if something went well.
Wincest i like it. Literally *wink wink*
No im an attention whore and everyome now understands the darker side of me so if i kill myself it wont be as muvh of a shock. Crime rates and whatnot are low in thousand oaks its rich white person territory and im mexican sadly.
Yeah i didnt talk to her only reffered to her as making my day in my cheerful persona but then i thought of how i would never get someone like her and it went downhill
Annyways i will most likely never perform incest since those stories are 100% fictional and suicide i have a much lower chance of doing since i dont have the “warrior gene” to take the damn chance.
I alwasy wanted to go to a shooting range and ive gone to thatsphucked.com and bestgore to “emotionally and psycologically harden myself” which only made me unable to cry anymore. Now i cant let my feelings show and vent it out wgich is bad and good.
Anyways all i can say is so far suicide is imminent
Never heard incest is wincest? Lawl. Good hah.
Mmm, well eh that’s ok. Don’t seem obnoxious about it. Which I can’t say for other people. True, I guess it’s a forewarning: “Hey don’t be surprised if you hear about me killing myself sometime in the future”. Ah, I’m not too far from there – however I’m more of middle class white person myself. So in that respect I cannot really relate.
Right, that would brighten my day too. Though I wouldn’t put yourself so down to think you’ll never get someone like her. I mean you’d be surprised. I don’t think I will either – but hey I’ll wait patiently. Ok, maybe not patiently and maybe not long – but nonetheless I have a slight slight slight hope. Well I think you should have tried talking with her – see if she said that ’cause “oh well this is a nice thing to say” or if she really cared enough to actually listen.
Well, glad to hear no incest lawl. Mmm well I don’t know if you need a “warrior” gene to do it. I’d like to say I’ll eventually be able to do it – but right now I’m teetering on if I have enough feeling and reasons to do so. I think when you get down to it – it’s “Can I survive the rest of my life and have it be filled with depression, anger, misery, etc etc. Or take the chance that it may go away? But be in pain till then?” Or something, definitely meant that to be more simple…
Hmm, emotionally and psychologically harden yourself eh? Why do you want to do that? Trust me I never seem to show or share emotion with anyone – and it’s really not that great.
Imminent but not? Hm