I Give Up. Period.

I can’t do any of this anymore. I tried so hard to do something new, to make myself happy. And guess what? It blew up in my f*cking face. Excuse the language. So, now I can’t see my best friend without wanting to cry my heart out. Long story short, I broke up with my boyfriend because I wasn’t happy, in general (not unhappy with him) and wanted space. Then, I find out my best friend is in love with me. A couple weeks later he has me wrapped around his little f*cking finger. Guess what I find out two days ago? He doesn’t want to be with me for fear of “losing me”. And, so, now I’m left waiting, hoping maybe things will change when we’re face to face again at school, but no. Now, I’m his go-to gal for dating advice. He’s asking out another f*cking girl! And telling me how great she is and everything. Then, when I say I feel like shit, he yells at me for whining about all my problems and said he doesn’t even like talking to me sometimes because I whine too much.

So, here’s the current status:

1. Alone.
2. Betrayed
3. Suicidal again
And worst of all… 4. Back to cutting..

Now, here’s last night. Feeling all of the above, I decide I don’t want to try anymore. I’m depressed all the time, can hardly get out of bed, have no friends, and was betrayed by someone I trusted. So, I decided to try again… Not going to put any of the gruesome details but the gist of it is… I got interrupted. Now, I’m left with ugly gashes from the beginning of an attempt, up to my neck in school work on the first day back, and listening to him go on and f*cking on about this girl. I give up. Obviously a happy life was never meant for me. I give up on trying. I’ll just coast through blindly until I can move out (if I even make it that long) and possibly end up trying again…