For a boy of 22, I have much more than most have. I am a full-time student, full-time worker, and I just recently won the heart of a beautiful girl, whom had given up on relationships years past. It seems really nice, doesn’t it? That’s because it is….
I have come to the conclusion that the happier I get, the greater the self-affliction thoughts pour into my mind. I’m sure I have some sort of mental ailment. In 2011, I started losing weight…almost 100 lbs gone since last April! I got a job finally (no longer a bum), full-time student now, and I caught my dream girl…I still want to go away from this attachment we call “life”.
She makes me the happiest. Ever since she came into the picture, I’ve been happier and happier and happier by the day!! I love this girl… but I’ve had more and more temptations to commit. For my friends who knew me, I was always the kid who would never feel offended if I got bullied, and always pushed my own problems aside for my friends’ problems. Nothing phased me….here I am today, 3 years later, gashes all over my right wrist. My childhood best friend didn’t even believe me until I showed him.
I have a daydream of sorts of what I want to happen when I finally go through with it entirely. All I want to happen at first is to be a ghost…something like you see in the movies or television. I want to watch my own funeral with attending family and friends. I want to do this because I want to see who all was real to my life before I disperse.
To be honest, it is pouring outside right now. Absolutely pouring outside, and I was already thinking this is my night to take action anyway. Not at home, but somewhere off in the woods. The last thing I want is for family to wake up to such an evil thing…let their worry grow slowly with my presence gone, so that when they do find out, it won’t overwhelm them all at once.
Tonight can very well be the night. The only reason why I wouldn’t is my loving girlfriend…only reason why I wouldn’t because she had gone through so much boy trouble already. She got past it and fell in love with me. To do this now…I’d be killing more than myself.
And if I do commit tonight, it would happen because even she couldn’t save someone as troubled as me.
I’m posting this in a vent attempt before I do something I regret forever…and, since I’m selfless literally to the end, praying that my beautiful love overcomes her stomach ache soon.
1 comment
Hang onto that love of your life. The two of you can work things out together. Its tough when you do so much for others and give so much before you considered your own self. Keep venting here because it will help free your mind, even if only for a moment