Basically venting….
My life has just been SO FUCKING WONDERFUL since I turned 33. My car,which was just paid off,died,and b/c my credit is so crappy,Im going to get the runaround trying to get a new one. Of course,my BF lectures me bout my credit instead of sympathizing. My boss has been selfish and demanding when my car broke down,insisting that I”put the donut on and deal with it when Im done working”. She recanted when she learned that it was,in fact,dead. Then my BF continues to be an asshole and refuse to give me rides to work,knowing that I have limited funds after paying $360 to ATTEMPT to fix the car(still died 3 days later).But noooo,take a cab.
    Then,as I was talking to my boss in general today,I mentioned that I may consider ending my relationship and having a baby via sperm donor. I was then lectured on how “selfish” that was,and that babies “come from a loving marriage.” (yeah,she’s one of those). I wanted to SCREAM-like b/c Im not worthy enough of someone to want to marry,I dont deserve to have my own child? My own FAMILY? As for the “children deserving a father” piece,well,I would have taken the single parent option to have avoided the abuse I received(that I cant talk to ANYONE about,no one would believe me,thinks Im just twisting things and anyway I had a good childhood-so they say-so I should just shut up). Hell,I would have taken a half of a parent who truly wanted me rather than having been born into a “loving marriage” in which I was told over and over again that I was unwanted.
  But alas,I am selfish for wanting a child. I dare anyone else who has experienced the loneliness and abandonment for 33 yrs and then tell me Im selfish for wanting to have that at any cost.
 Once again,more reasons why Occums Razor(the simplest explanation/answer is usually the right one) is in effect here. I just need to end it all,and end this miserable life. I cant take it anymore. A few more months until OZ and counting…….
9 comments
Sorry of this sounds a bit insensitive, I really am. I actually have more to say than this but I have a miserable attention span. But I just wanted to say that being suicidal, or semi-suicidal, or whatever, is not the best state in which to decide whether or not you want to have a child. I am not saying you are not perfectly capable of being a wonderful loving mother to a child. It’s not that. I am sure you are a warm person with lots of love to give. But for some reason I just wanted to note that and add some perspective. This turned out to be a lot more verbose than I meant it, sorry about that. J
Ps I wouldn’t say it is selfish of you, so don’t think that either.
deadinside has a point – so I won’t touch the child issue.
Growing up is hard. Growing up feeling alone, unwanted, unaccepted, whatever, is even harder. You already know this… That lonely feeling gnawling at your heart… It’s a *****. It’s hard to overcome it – even if you find someone who can show you true love (since your boyfriend does not seem up to the task).
Cars are always a *****…
Machines break down.
And your BF is a selfish prick for not helping you out in need.
That is one of the responsibilities of being a BF.
When I was dating my ex wife and her car broke down I gave her my car and took the bus to work and school. He could have at least given you a ride to work.
And your boss could have more understanding. It is not always easy for everyone to get access to reliable transport if their car breaks down. She’s a pretty unkind person as well.
As far as a baby, I would not call you selfish but I would not recommend it at this stage. Not telling you but with what you are already going through it will just add more responsibility to your life.
And being in a tough financial spot does not help when medical bills and supplies are needed. Take this from an actual father.
Also your depression will affect that child. Children pick up on the feelings of parents. Especially their mother. And in the long run that child, despite your live and care may have issues because of that.
But do what makes you happy.
And remember if you do die you will lose the chance to ever have that child.
I’d be a hypocrite for telling you not to do so, but if you have any goals, the least you could do is stay around to go for them.
Thanks everyone……thanks so much.
Nice to see that other suicidal people are basically telling me that i’m worthless,too.
Dont worry. it just gives me more ammunition telling me that I’m doing the right thing by dying.
@ sunbird
No one has said that. Your bf may or may not be supportive. No one is forcing you to stay with him and you don’t have to always do as he says. As for cars, they all break down sooner or later. My dad had an old ford Orion which broke down on the way back from cornwall. Unfortunately my brother suffers from travel sickness so you can imagine it was hardly a great holiday.
so so so sorry Sunbird,
the logical crew got ya….saw your post and that it was being responded to and moved on….i am truly sorry. I would really appreciate a chance to undo the wrong I feel I have done to you….by not responding….
You seem to be dealing with emotional issues and needs….not logical ones. That is not to say that there isnt room for logic here….but a little balance would have been nice. Me I say that unwanted children are born everyday…I say that if you want a child it is your God-given right as a woman first and foremost to have what you wish. No one can stop you…..and I for one raised three children while dealing with emotional illness….they are not as successful financially as others I’m sure….but they definitely know they are loved unconditionally….the rest is bonus….if you can love a child unconditionally….then you should….a gift for you and the child…honestly. And the truth is that if it isn’t meant to be….it will not happen. So what do you have to lose by trying? I say go for it. I had my last child at 35.
Actually your boyfriend sounds very immature and selfish….sorry….but why not kill two birds with one stone….lol….get pregnant by your boyfriend….he will leave shortly after….lol…and then you get rid of him at the same time. Would I like for you to have the opportunity to conceive and raise a child in the love of two responsible parents….you betcha….but it isn’t always possible in this day and age when committment is something that happens at the nut hut and no longer in the sacrament of marriage. I say do what you will….and love what you do…
Namaste
Amakua
Amakua,
Thanks for your post. I am glad that someone seems to understand and validate my feelings.
I would totally do your plan,except my BF and I are not involved in that way…he’s very religious,LOL-good match i know.Which is another self esteem blow,but thats another story.
Anyway, I still consider my route,although each day the light of a future grows dimmer. Just spent the last 7 hrs at two dealerships being told how unworthy I am to be able to have a decent car with decent mileage.very demoralizing.
I just want to sleep. But thank you,for at least being kind.
Hey Sunbird,
Hope you have a good sleep tonight…and that we can catch up again soon.
Namaste
Amakua