I’m 16. I have lots of friends, I play multiple sports, I have a big family. A guy is talking to me right now that really wants to date, one of my favorite things to do is brighten other people’s days. But I’m falling apart. At home I am emotionally neglected. I no longer speak at home. I starve myself. Sometimes I make myself throw up. Sometimes I cut. The last 5 years I have watched my family crumble. Recently the counselor at school talked to me. She knows what I do, my friends told her. She, along with my mom, have forced me into counseling. I went yesterday. It was so awful that when I got home I took a nap, woke up and burst into tears because I realized it hadn’t been a nightmare. Right now, more than ever, I want to end my life. Everyday I hurt a little more. The counselors, my parents… they let me see no hope. Making me believe that I can’t help myself on my own. I don’t want the counselors help, I don’t want any help. My friend… the other day at swim practice walked up to me.. looked me in the eyes.. and started crying “You’re killing yourself. One day at practice your heart will give out from starving, and I am going to have to watch your dead body being carried out that door.” She’s right. If I don’t commit suicide soon, it won’t matter, because I am already slowly killing myself from starvation. I love my teachers. I love my coaches. I love my friends. I love my cousins, my aunts, my uncles, my grandparents, my sisters. I am choosing to hold on. Even though I want to let go so bad, I am going to fight my way back to the top, because suicide is selfish. If I kill myself I am affecting so many people, my teachers, coaches, friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, sisters, parents… how will they feel? What if I cause another person to become mentally ill.. just from my actions. What message am I sending to my little sisters if I take my own life? That it’s okay to give up… when it’s not. No. Even though right now, I want to close my eyes and never have to open them again, I will hold on. For everyone who loves me, even when they don’t know how to show it. A person can only go so low, before they start going up once again. Things will get better, they have to… sometimes you have to focus on the little things that make you happy. Like the way your dog wags her tail when she sees you, or the sound of rain on your roof at night. To whoever is reading this… remember that someone loves you.
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6 comments
🙁 Im crying right now , those words have really touched my heart so much . crazy how someones words can have such a huge affect on you :c
Sometimes, when life and family feels out of control, it’s really really enticing to take control of the one thing that we can have total control over, what we eat (or don’t eat, rather).
I’m not going to pretend I know you or your situation, but I see some major similarities to myself a decade or so ago… I can say that sometimes, through the eyes of a teenager, when a family seems to ‘crumble’ it’s just our perceptions messing with us – and even if a family does wind up crumbling, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re a family, even if it’s disjointed.
I’m glad you’re choosing to hold on and to take joy in the things you can, you’re a bright girl 🙂
I’ll say that suicide IS selfish at your age (please don’t take that the wrong way, I’m not saying your feelings are immature or invalid – just that your life hasn’t fully begun yet, it’d be a crying shame to end it before it begins) your feelings are absolutely valid but, actually, relatively normal (even if your friends, family and counselor don’t always make it feel that way – I remember mine were well-meaning but they made me feel like a crazy person) – The teen years are tough – in our teen years we have ridiculous hormones taking us on an emotional roller-coaster ride… it sucks, we feel some awful things – we wind up having to re-evaluate EVERYTHING to find out who we really are and those dark feelings are part of the process for many many people who grow up to live successful, full and happy lives.
You’re still growing into yourself, and from the sounds of it, you’re doing a good job. A really good job. You’re making much better decisions than I was at your age.
Now just keep making those awesome decisions and get yourself to start eating again, slowly but surely – nutrient dense foods (it’s better than nothing, really) like dark leafy greens – spinach, arugula, kale etc are fantastic. Those bad-boys give you 800-1000 nutrients for every calorie consumed (and they’re pretty low cal) so it might be a good way to give your body what it needs without a lot of fuss – Maybe make a habit to eat a salad once a day for a month and then take it from there, depending on how you feel.
Dopamine is released in the brain when we do things to take care of ourselves – your friends, family and guidance counselor have been showing you that they love you, now show yourself that YOU love you – its the most important thing you’ll ever learn (if you can learn it, I’m 26 and still trying to teach myself that life lesson) I think you might start to feel better and better and better the more and more you take care of your body. At least I hope you do.
Sorry to leave such a long, preachy sounding rant – I only did it cause you sound like such a sweetheart and I’m genuinely rooting for you.
^^ i dont know who you are, but you just made me cry. happy tears 🙂 you just gave me so much hope to keep going. thank you for believing in me, you really just made my day. and honestly, you just gave me the courage to want to eat again. people like you make the world a better place.
Aww 😀 My name is tracy, and you just made my day too. I’m so glad I was able to help and I’m so SO glad you’re going to give eating another shot.
I always worry that my long-winded well-intended rambles are going to annoy the person they’re directed at when I’m hoping to help them.
I struggled with anorexia athletica for a decent period of time and I actually really messed my body up (namely my kidneys and specifically by not drinking enough -hydrating- fluids) – so don’t forget those, either.
And whatever you do, don’t exercise and live off of diet coke haha turns out it’s not a good idea :p
I liked what you said that you like to brighten other people’s day…that’s great, I do as well. But the most important person is YOU…period. It’s important for you to brighten yourself up inside, with being good to you and thinking and feeling good thoughts…but you have to want to and you have to be willing to practice that internal attitude.
Sometimes we avoid ourselves in helping others which is okay. It’s just good to know that you also need to nurture a self loving and gentle relationship with yourself…that is probably one of the best contributions anyone can make. Some ‘think’ it’s selfish but looking after you takes courage cause you have to look within and clear out what isn’t an authentic part of the lovely gal that makes you. Good luck, be well!
I had an eating disorder when i was your age and i beat it…it took me years to do it but it can be done what tracey said is fantastic advice wish id had someone caring enoughbto take the time and say what she has.its great that your friends are around you hold them close and let them help you one day you may be able to return the favour.you have yourvwhole life ahead of you how you run it is entirely up to you i am thinking of you and hope you can make it through ((((hugs))))