Tired of waiting

I watched for a while a string of “It gets better” videos. I kept thinking to myself – does it really get better? I think that through time, I have fooled myself into believing that for some, and perhaps for me it can actually get better. I don’t believe that anymore.

You don’t have to identify as a member of LGBT to feel the social isolation, the loneliness and the despair that this world brings to some in great amounts, and to others so little.  I know now that some people are just simply meant to be happy, while others have to fight everyday to convince themselves to exist.

I constantly tell myself everyday that people need me. Sometimes “people” is my mother, and sometimes it’s just those kids in Africa that I try to help financially every month.  Yet, I don’t need myself. I should be existing for me – but I can’t do it.

I’m a 32 year old lesbian. I’m fairly clever and despite unable to remember a time when I wasn’t depressed – I do consider myself a productive member of society – whatever the hell that actually means. I’ve always been successful when it comes to work, and have always been considered a leader. I guess I’m able to hide things pretty well.

However, I have always been alone. I can never seem to hold relationships, and relationships are rare and far in between for me. I’m not necessarily the picture perfect woman when it comes to looks, and my looks have always been a set back.

Even more now…for the past 2 years due a series of bouts of sickness I began to lose my hair. So on top of it all, I’m now slowly going bald. Everyday, there’s a struggle between what I see in the mirror and the person I worked really hard to be despite my depression. I’m losing the battle. I also lost friends to this – because they can’t understand what the big deal is about. Perhaps they weren’t friends to begin with, but that doesn’t matter. There is still loss.

The bottom line is that this was the last straw. There hasn’t been a day that I don’t consider suicide. I’ve given up almost everything I have ever loved or found comfort in – hobbies, books, some friends even. I’ve tried looking for support groups, and answers  but none can be found. I’m just tired of waiting for things to “get better”.

Sometimes, life doesn’t improve and you have to make the decision between living like a zombie, and accepting your fate as someone who shouldn’t be alive, because a part of you died long ago.