Tired, So Tired

I just want to sleep forever, is that too much to ask for?

I haven’t taken in fresh air for four months now. I haven’t even gone outside to take the trash out.Every day I order take away and I distract myself by playing my video games and watching my shows. I haven’t spoken to anyone except for the delivery guys. I’ve shut myself off from everything. None of  my friends can contact me now, nor can they physically come to me. I did this all so I would have no other alternative.

Can it really be called living, when every second, all you can think about is dying?

I don’t need to make wills, or leave messages behind because everyone knows that I will try to off myself again. They know from all the previous messages left from my previous attempts. I’m sure, by now, they’re all in suspense over how I’ve gone off grid. They know what I’m planning, and there’s really nothing they can do about it.

It’s funny. When I was younger people would ask me what my ambition was. Being the arrogant and hypocritical ***** that I am, I always answered that I was going to be a renowned neurosurgeon with my PhD in clinical psych. I would never outright say that my real goal in life was to kill myself. Now, those days and that future are too distant, and I realize that only real constant in my life was suicide.