All the people that know me think that I have a “good life” . Yes, I do have the “good life” yet I feel so unhappy and guilty living it. The parents who love me and who provide everything as much as they can and little brother I adore the most, even with them I feel somehow hopeless. I pity them. I pity myself even more. Theres nothing to badmouth about my life, I`m considered to be the luckiest kid because my parents dont do drugs, there is  roof over my head and food in my plate, good school, good clothes etc.
The friends who are not in contact with me anymore, and the long  lost relatives who used to be so close with me, they all seem to be as if they never existed before. The problem is not with them but with me. Somehow, there is something going on in my head or somewhere inside me that keep weaking me gradually (funny to say it, but the strange feeling of destroying myself with my own hands knowing it yet without knowing. sorry to confuse you with nonsense but that`s how I feel.) It feels as if I`m stuck while time is running and others go on with their lives. The little girls have grown so pretty and talented and those boogy boys have grown up to be real men and intelligent ones and me is still the ugly duckling and the incompetent one. Living life like a zombie, was relocated several times which disconnected some ties only leaving some memories that are to be forgotten.
Social anxiety disorder, that is what I have developed as the numbers of people I know decreased . I wasn`t like that before. Don`t remember hearing my heart beat so loud and my shaky voice as I even say my name as I being called. Now i do. I struggle to ask or talk to people. I used to even act in plays in front of hundreds of people on a stage before.So outgoing and talkative, surrounded by many people. Now, I`m just quite and gloomy and lonely. When did i become like this?
My mind just goes blank when askted what is my hobby, interesting mythey I just dont have dream and desire anymore, nothing interests me anymore. All day feeling sleepy or sleeping, when awake , moving body without any spirit. Feels like Im all blank and empty all the time. Irritated. Im not really good at anything except being pessimistic. Darn it… Just cant find the meaning of my life. Because of my pitiful mom, I`ve been enduring it and trying to erase the thoughts of leaving this world. All these years dedicating herself to this useless daughter, should`ve given a birth to someone better than me………….
Thousand drops of tears
Will be shed on my casket
Sinking the earth
The first train in the morning
Will whistle and depart
After the big news.
Many will sorrow one day
And one chair will be vacant next day
No one will remember the other day
After tomorrow……
3 comments
Sometimes it isn’t something that has happened to us – but just yourself like you said. I can relate in that we have the “Good” life – but still somehow are depressed and can’t quite even figure it out?
I think you just need to keep up the good fight against yourself. It may not be easy, it may not be achieved in a matter of days – but I’ve been told it can be worth it. You were an outgoing person, an actress, etc etc. So what do you think is holding you back from getting out there? Just some small steps to get your social anxiety down. I can’t particularly give you advice on how and such, because I’m in the same boat as you…so sorry for that.
As for hobby well start just trying things – they don’t have to be particularly interesting to you at the start – but you may grow to like them. I mean I too can’t think of a hobby that I enjoy( except sleeping or a game… ). But I’ve got a guitar and a bike, so I could try those? How about you? Anything to really change your mindset works well and gets you slightly off the empty and uninterested thoughts.
Thousands of tears will be shed, though you will be remembered for LONG after…not easily forgotten.
Anywho, if you ever want to talk more do tell me( or post more, etc ), ’cause I can really relate and I’m willing to listen( as are the many others on this site ).
G’luck
I sang with a professional opera co. for 5 years, performed on stage for 15 years. You are not alone in how you feel. Panic attacks of all sorts, lost what I knew as my normal life….I still wail, for no reason at all, like I just get so overwhelmed, can’t think, I know what used to ignite me but now…no idea. It’s a living nightmare. No one knows what I’m experiencing but I’ve learned for myself that focusing on it has gotten boring and I fake it all over the place. I have to fake myself out halve the time. Reading is brutal….typing this…my brain is doing pirouettes. I’m going on 9 years here…nuts!
It sucks…BUT!!! I have a girlfriend who loves me unconditionally and sees and knows the real me…I’m so grateful to have her. I’ve helped tons of people through the unearthly experience I’ve had…and in spite of the experience I do my best and practice…(it’s taken time) thoughts that allow me to feel good…take it easy on yourself. It’s not your fault, nor are you responsible for feeling this way.
You can keep telling yourself the story of how everything’s gone wrong or you can roll with it, and do your best and love yourself unconditionally…by practicing what I suggested. This forum will continue to see new people showing up as this planet goes through massive change and people watch their seemingly normal lives vanish. It’s wild stuff and it’s been going on for a long time and will continue to do so as our egos get schooled and our hearts get opened up. Feel free to skype me, softsoul9 Take care.
Blankgirl: There are many here who feel like you. Not all of us have been abused, or neglected, or given a crap hand in the card game of life.
And yet, we still feel sad, and useless, and wondering what the whole point is. My life is not so different from yours. Wife, 2 beautiful kids, decent house, good job (at the moment), and yet it all still looks empty from the inside. Yes, I still have my “apparatus” so that when I deem it necessary, they will need to cut my dead, slack body down, call 911 for a tragedy already past, the ambulance going, not to the hospital, but to the morgue, and the funeral where my 2 beautiful children ask “Why did Daddy die?”
Sometimes the best you can do, is say, Not Today,. I live the life I was meant for, which looks so nice and neat from the outside, propped up with psychoactive medications. I’ve already given up the dream of someday dying of natural causes. But at least I have a little bit of say as to how long into the future that will be.
I don’t want this to feel like we hijacked your message and are writing about ourselves, but for you to get a glimpse of lives not unlike your own.