All the people that know me think that I have a “good life” . Yes, I do have the “good life” yet I feel so unhappy and guilty living it. The parents who love me and who provide everything as much as they can andÂ little brother I adore the most, even with them I feel somehow hopeless. I pity them. I pityÂ myself even more.Â Theres nothing to badmouth about my life, I`m considered to be the luckiest kid because my parents dont do drugs, there is Â roof over my head and food in my plate, good school, good clothes etc.
The friends who are not in contact with me anymore, and theÂ long Â lost relatives who used to be so close with me, they all seem to be as if they never existed before. The problem is not with them but with me. Somehow, there is something going on in my head or somewhere inside me that keep weaking me gradually (funny to say it, but the strange feelingÂ of destroying myself with my own handsÂ knowing it yet without knowing. sorry to confuse youÂ with nonsense butÂ that`s how I feel.)Â It feels as if I`m stuck while time is running andÂ others go on with their lives. The little girls have grown so pretty and talented and those boogy boys have grown up to be real men and intelligent ones and me is still the ugly ducklingÂ and the incompetent one.Â Living life like a zombie, was relocated several times which disconnected some ties only leaving some memories that are to be forgotten.
SocialÂ anxietyÂ disorder,Â that is what I have developedÂ as the numbers of people IÂ know decreasedÂ . I wasn`t like that before. Don`t rememberÂ hearing my heart beat so loud and my shaky voiceÂ as IÂ even say myÂ name as I being called. Now i do.Â I struggle to ask or talkÂ to people.Â I used to even act in plays in front of hundreds of people on a stage before.So outgoing and talkative, surrounded by many people. Now, I`m just quite and gloomy and lonely. When did i become like this?
My mind just goes blank when askted what is my hobby, interesting mythey I just dont have dream and desire anymore, nothing interests me anymore. All day feeling sleepy or sleeping, when awake , moving body without any spirit. Feels like Im all blank and empty all the time. Irritated.Â Im not really good at anything except being pessimistic. Darn it… Just cant find the meaning of my life. Because of myÂ pitiful mom, I`ve been enduring it and trying to erase the thoughts of leaving this world. All these years dedicating herselfÂ to this useless daughter, should`ve given a birth to someone better than me………….
Thousand drops of tears
Will be shed on my casket
Sinking the earth
The first train in the morning
Will whistle and depart
After the big news.
Many will sorrowÂ one day
And one chair will be vacant next day
No one will remember the other day