UNTITLED

There’s this man I know… And he’s a horrible, nasty, abusive bit of trash. But see, here is where the problem lies. I love him. He came to me in my weakest point, and told me all the things that I wanted and needed to hear. “You’re beautiful.” “I need you in my life.” “I love you.” “You’re the only woman that can change me.”

And me in my weakness, I believed him. And I fell for him. And I want to be his woman.

But here’s where the problem lies: He is horrible to me. He talks to other women right in front of me. He brags that he is sleeping with at least 3 other women. He hurts me physically sometimes. Nothing major… Pinches me, smacks me lightly, bends my fingers and hands and arms back til it hurts and holds me there for awhile. Even when he’s holding my hand, he squeezes til it hurts. And then if I cry, he tells me I’m a crybaby and to shut the fuck up. He calls me names like “whore” and “*****” and “trick”. And then he reels me back in with, “You know I love you girl.” Or he kisses me. Or he hugs me. And I fall all over again. Right now, on top of all of my emotional issues, I’m really ill with the ‘flu. And he hasn’t even text me to ask me if I’m okay. Last week, my roommate had a cold, and she got three texts from him in a row. Asking if she was okay, if she needed anything, and telling her to feel better. (Okay, it may be petty, but is it too much to ask for him to check on me?)

I’m so ashamed. I have never allowed a man to treat me like this before. It’s not me. I don’t enjoy this kind of treatment. But, I can’t let him go. Because I don’t wanna be alone. And I love who he could be. But I don’t love who he is. And I don’t love me for allowing him to treat me like this and brag about it to his other bitches. I want to curl up and disappear, because it’s gotten to the point that I have started becoming obsessive and insane over this. I just want him to love me, and I don’t feel worthy of his love.